why can't I be beautiful?

I often wonder this question when I stare in the mirror, "why don't I look like her?" or "why aren't I as pretty as her" or "why don't my clothes look as nice as hers". Its a hard concept for me to grasp, as those questions run through my head, I don't have answers, nor does anyone else. The truth is apparent and inevitable, I am not as pretty as her, I don't look like her, and my clothes don't look as nice as her.BUT - my question also would have to be "who is she", who am I basing all of this on? No, it's not in on a super model, or an actress, because I am not stupid and know that is not realistic. I am basing it on the people in my surroundings.When asking those questions, I'm really meaning "Why isn't my hair as Nice as Christines" or "why aren't my thighs as small as jenns " or "why don't I take amazing pictures like Cat" and my favourite "why aren't I as tall as Emily"I may never have answers, why I lack what those around me don't. I might never smile at the fact I am not like them, or look like them. I might not be able to look in the mirror and see something beautiful ever, and that makes me sad.Tonight at youth group we were supposed to write, why we are beautiful. Not even just apperance, but personality, seven reasons why we're beautiful! Emily got five, Rachel got seven, and Jenna got seven. You know what? I didn't even get one..While they are pouring their hearts out and confessing why they think they're beautiful, I am sitting their pondering what I will write as my first point, and absolutely nothing comes to mind -NOW THAT IS SAD.I can't think of even one reason why I am beautiful, if that isn't pathetic what is? I am not saying it for a pity party, or so you're all like "oh you're beautiful " and lie to make me feel better. I know the truth, I am used to the truth, and I truly see no good in myself, it is not a crave for attention, but by writing this it is a way to let it out.Hopefully one day, I can write seven reasons why I am beautiful, until then - i'll find a way too deal with my overflowing self hatred.

"Why me"..

I'm about to throw myself a pity party, if you're not interested, back away before you get sucked in.

I don't know whats wrong with me. Either, I'm REALLY REALLY good, or REALLY REALLY shitty.

I don't know why I can't be "okay". Why can't I smile two days in a row - is there a RULE?

Can I not be unconditionally happy?

Can I not have a good, loving family? Why am I stuck with a grandfather who doesn't care about his own granddaughter. Or Francis, who has met me once - why aren't I loved enough for them? Why aren't I good enough for them.

Why was London so amazing, and I get back to Bowmanville and its worse than it EVER is.. Why was I SSOOO happy, only to be crushed into soo many tiny pieces.

Do I not deserve that ONE ounce of happiness. To just smile, without caring.

Its R.A.K week. I went above and beyond, I got two teachers, one guidance councelor and the princable, a little [random act of kindness gift] could I not just ask for the simple respect from my grandfather this one day?

I don't know wht I did, or how I got this life. But Please - someone help me deal with it . I can't do it alone...

when you don't know what else to do,

what do you do?


I am at a loss for words, wondering what I am supposed to do. You lied to me so many times, I am so hurt. I am not perfect, I realize this, of course I do - but what do I do after being lied to time after time. I know I'm worth more than putting up with it - but I love you so much. I'm in a bad position.

I remember you finding out I drank the times I did, oh do I ever. You were so mad at me, you made me feel so bad. I promised I wouldn't ever do it again, and I haven't. Did I accidently have a sip of my moms drink on Thanksgiving? Yes. But that hardly counts. It was coke, I didn't realize there was Whiskey in it. Anyways, at one point. I would of put my life in your hands - now, I can't trust you anymore. I really can't. You had a boyfriend jus over a month ago, you lied to me about it. Because you didn't trust I wouldn't tell. When I found out, I was mad and I still have the long email saved you saying you'd never lie to me again...

That was less than a month ago ..

Now what - you're now drinking, and have another boyfriend. When I asked you if you were dating him, yuo said no. I don't care what you lied to me about, But you've lied to me SO much I just don't know what to do.

I'm mad, sad, and disappointed. I think its in your best interest to stay away from me for a little while, because I don't want to see your face...

one hundredth and one blog.

I don't have the energy to blog everyday, I am getting tired and weak. I am not going to continue my blog a day , it's getting too much. I am SO busy I do not have time for it and feel pressured to do it when I return. Many people have changed my life, and I didn't even get through a month of them - but when the time comes I feel it is important to share their story, and the reason they deserve a blog, I will. I just can't do it everyday!

Day Twenty Seven.

I know I have wrote in a while, a long while. I've been in London, and I'm sure that will get it's own blog on its own, but for now, I'll just write about a person who inspired me beyond belief while IN London..

Scott Greenberg

While In London, I was inspired by many motivational speakers, many people provided me with tools and tips to change my life - Scotts message managed to change my life, beyond changed my life.

Scott is an motivational speaker, with a passion for speaking beyond anything and it is proven during his messages. I wish I could tell you how amazing he is, and how much he's changed me, but words don't do him justice, they really don't.

Hes gone through so much, from cancer, to his fiance leaving him, but hes so happy and he is able to help others change their own lives

Scott, I hope to meet you one day, down the road. And try to explain my graditute, because it is very much there. I appreciated your message, and I'm working on getting rid of my "sandbags"

day twenty seven

You have the most spirit than anyone I've ever met. You're always smiling and making me laugh. Our school wouldn't be what it is without you, and you'll surely be missed after this semester.

Mikki Decker.

Honestly, Mikki our school would be nothing without you. You've brought so much spirit, so much positivity, and so much enthusiasm. You have inspired me to a degree I cannot explain to you. I strive to be like you, and be the role model you are to so many people.

Mikki, I am so lucky to go to BHS at the same time you have, I know BHS, would be a completely different school if we weren't lucky enough to have you.

This isn't a super long blog , or filled with depth. But, Mikki, because of you, I am who I am. And I strive to do so much more for the school. Hopefully, I can be half the person you are, one day.
I love you Mikki Decker, and I'm excited for London today.

Day Twenty Six.

You were a good friend of mine, for sometime. I'm sure we still would be if you hadn't moved so far away from me. I knew you were only here for a while, but goodbye wasn't any easier - I still miss you..

Marines Perez

It was the first day of school, in grade eight we met. We instantly "hit it off" , Mr.Dewell forced me to sit beside you, and it was a good thing he did so. It was so much fun, trying to help you learn English, I remember talking to you was often a challenge, but one way or another, we always had a way to communicate.

Your first snow fall, was definately a hit in my life.. I remember, your eyes went huge, and you just wanted to catch one on your tounge. We were late for class that day I believe, you just wanted to sit out in the snow, and experience something Guatamala, did not offer you.

That day in December, the 15th to be exact, was the day to say goodbye. I knew it was coming, but didn't realize how quickly. All of a sudden, it was your last day. I was so sad. I walked home with you that day, and I remember us crying the whole way there. Also, standing at your door porch, hugging. It was goodbye, and you were flying out to Guatamala. I walked home alone crying the whole way, missing you like nothing else. That feeling still hasn't disappeared, and I hope, next time you come to Canada, you remember me, and we visit. I miss you and love you, Marines Perez!

Day Twenty Five.

A year and one day ago, almost exactly to the minute, I was walking down the hall, after saying goodbye to one of my closest friends. Tears streaming down my face, I said goodbye, and knew it was forever.

Allie Higdon

Allie, my biggest regret, would have to be our friendship starting out so late. I remember the first day of school, walking into Science with ABSOLUTELY no one, and being scared out of my mind. I remember seeing you, and being like - she's new, we should be friends. I was too scared, to say anything, and when one of us FINALLY did, I'm not sure who or when it was, it was too late.

We had so many memories, in so little time. So many days at lunch at your house, rushing back to school to make it on time for science. Going out for Lunch with my parents, and my dad saying Newfie jokes the whole lunch. The Bi Boys, I really could go on forever.

I appreciate you so much, you helped me become a better person, and I truly miss you, Allie. We had so much fun in so little time, and I know if given the oppourunity , we could of been the most amazing friends, ever. We never did get that sleepover, and we never took any pictures. We didn't get to do a lot, but it doesn't matter , you'll always be one of my best friends.

I miss you a lot, we were doing so well for talking, we used to talk so much - now we never do. IT makes me really sad, because at one point we knew everything about each other, and a few day break was like a lifetime. Allie, no matter what, I'm always here for you. Ontario or Newfoundland - I'd do anything for you, because you've helped me so much. Nothing could change the way I feel about our friendship, or stop me from missing you. I hope it wasn't goodbye forever, but "see you later"

I love you, like a friend, like a sister, like a piece of me that is missing.

Day Twenty Four.

I can't forget that day, we had heard Uncle Mike was going on a date. We were not told with who but given a description, that sort of helped. "The new blonde girl, at the church". We tried for hours and hours to figure out who she was, who is this mysterious blonde girl Uncle Mike is dating. I remember Emily and I, walking to my house, and seeing that car with Uncle Mike in it, drive up, and RUNNING back to her house, so we could meet her.. Elsa.. Elsa Nanninga, now, Elsa Murphy. I love it. No matter what I say, it will not do her justice. But I will try my VERY hardest.

Elsa Murphy.

I've got to say, I love writing Elsa "Murphy" not Nanninga, ahah. Ever since I've met you, you've been so caring and so loving. You're always thinking of others, and never yourself enough. You are a friend, a youth leader, a sister, and someone I don't want to live without.

Miss.Positive, should be your nickname, haha, not really - it's gay, but you're one of the most positive people I know, always thinking about the good side, and trying to lift others up. Youth Group is so much different, and I must say I love the indepth lessons a lot more now.

Elsa, thank-you for being a positive role model in my life, thank you for being a sister, and always being there to talk, no matter what I needed. I won't forget that day you took me and the Vincents girls out , two summers ago. We had barely known you, and it was that point I was soo shy with you, I couldn't talk to you. That changed it all, and I am glad it happened. Thank-you, I love you, Elsa Marie Murphy.

Day twenty three.

I probably love you more than anyone in this world. I know, I don't show it often. You're the easiest way to get my emotions out, and I know you'll always forgive me.

Quinn Marr

My Baby brother, I could go on for days about you. From day one, the day you were born, you were my best friend. I won't ever forget that day Quinn Stuart. That day my little brother came into this world, I was so happy. I was going to be a big sister, and the best big sister on the face of the planet .. or so I thought.

That day, I was given a huge job, bigger than any other job I've had yet to recieve, and I've failed terribly. I know , I'm a terrible big sister. It kills me, Quinn - I wish I could be a good big sister, your best friend, and someone you look up to. I'm working on it, bud. I really am.

You see, I'd be lost if Mommy or Daddy died. But, I think you'd be the hardest to lose. You've always been my buddy. When no one is around and neither of us have anything to do, it's just you and me, and Quinn, I would be lost withut you.

Since the day you were born, I've always loved you like nothing else on this planet. You are my little brother, and if anyone wants to hurt you, they have to get past me. No one steals my job, only I can beat you up:)

I am jealous of you, Quinn. I am extremely jealous. You are such a cutie, and always have girls. I wish I got some of those looks , ahah. You've always stolen from me, and you didn't stop there.

Quinn, I love you with my entire heart, entire life. I hope you realize that. You mean everything to me little brother, and I don't want to imagine a day without you. It's YOU that I missed the most this summer at camp..

Day Twenty Two.

I don't respect you, like you, love you, or ever want to meet you. I don't want to see your face, hear your voice or have anything to do with you, for the rest of my life. Despite all of that, I am more grateful for you than you could imagine, or care to know.

Francis Walmsley.

You know, I truly dislike you, almost enough to say I hate you. You have never done one thing for me in my entire life, and you are beyond pathetic. You wouldn't be on here if you hadn't given me the most important thing to me, my Mom.

The past sixteen years of my life, I've met you once. And that is far more than enough for I. I was young, I don't remember, but I am grateful. You have never once attempted again since then, nor have you met my little brother. You've caused nothing but heartache, torment, or pain to my family, but I couldn't thank you enough times.

My Mommy, truly means e v e r y t h i n g to me, I know I don't admit it usually , nor show it. But, I would be lost without her. You see, she's amazing, and you never did realize that. You've shown so much hatred to her over the years, but she still loves and respects your alcoholic ass, I don't know why, but it shows how big her heart is.

If I never meet you again, I'll live a happy life. I've forgiven you, I used to habour much pain with our lack of relationship but I've realized that although you only live like 8 minutes away, that treck is too far for someone you don't care about. You are truly stupid, and I never want to meet you, not again. I hope you die happy, knowing you ruined every SINGLE good thing you EVER had going for you, Francis.

BUT, I can't end like that. Because once again, thank-you for allowing me to have the beautiful, amazing, and strong willed Mom, you produced. Her and Uncle Rob are the only good things you've ever given me, but I am beyond happy.

Day Twenty One.

I am just recently realizing all I put this woman through , while she helped out in our youth group. Now, myself, being a kids club helper, I realize all we put her through and my sympathy for her is never ending...

Krystal Jeffreys

The best youth group leader I've ever had, no one could do it like you Krystal. I remember hearing you left, I remember almost crying because youth group was so amazing, and I could never imagine a Tuesday without you.

Krystal, you did so much for not only I, but every single person whom attended youth group those three years you were leader. You not only came up with the most amazing games, you always had us entertained.

We put you through so much, and Rachel, Emily and I, often discuss that we don't know how you put up with us, because we would of given up long ago. We start complaining about the kids at kids club, and remember we were twenty times worse.

Youth group was literally a soap opera, you got us during the worst of times, but put up with us all the way. We're now old enough, and mature enough, we make it easy on uncle Mike and Elsa, sorry you got that time area! Haha.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart, for all you've done for us. I know, you were busy, with school but you always made time for us, you always went out of your way for us, and I will never forget the years of fun we had together. I miss you, Krystal. I do, a lot. Time from time, i'll be doing nothing on a tuesday, and miss youth group tons.

Thank you thank you thank you, i appreciate you more than you ever know. I love you!

Day Twenty.

This lady, means the world to me. I met her on my Baptism when I was ten years old. Six short years later, she is my aunt, and I don't know where I would be without her, her humor, her love, her fun.

Susan Walmsley

My Aunt Susan; Anyone who knows me, knows how much I love and care about my Aunt Susan. Respect is the definition of our relationship. She has not only made my uncle one happy man, she has made me happy. I remember when me and Meaghan [ her daughter ] were really good friends, and I'd go to her house all the time. I had so much fun,and made memories that they won't ever let me forget. I was a needy kid, what can I say.

My Aunt Susan, has shown so much love to me, I don't know what to with it. I always know if I need a laugh, like Grandpa, I can go to her. She is hilarious, and can think of something funny to say instantly.

She is amazing, seriously. I don't have words for my Aunt Susan, she is gorgeous, and funny, and nice, and the most loving mother I have ever met. Her daughter has many things wrong with her, and my aunt has always been there by her side, at the hospital at all hours, she is amazing.

I don't knw what I'd have done without you all these years Aunt Susan, I love you so much.

Day Nineteen.

I'm proud of myself, I've done this nineteen consecutive days, which is a big surprise for me, I usually suck at that stuff...

I find it hard to trust "boys" or men, I find it hard, they're just going to break me apart anyways, what's the point. There are two men I've always trusted, regardless of what they've done. One is my daddy, the second is a man I love and care about so very much. He has always been there, and he is the single funniest man I've ever met. I always look forward to our visits a lot.

Barry Marr
My Grandpa. Oh , Gramps, I've always loved you like no other, and respected you like no other person on this planet,not only are you my grandpa, but you're the funniest person I have ever met. You always make me laugh, every phone call, every e-mail, every visit, there is many laughs to follow, regardless of what happens.

Everyone of my friends who meet you, fall in love with you, not literally because that'd be weird. They each have their own memories of you, and things you've done, that have made them laugh uncontrolably, they're not as lucky as me though, I have 16 years worth.

You have always been one to cheer me up, and I know If I need you, you're there. I will always cherish and remember our special memories Gramps. Like walking on the "scary bridge" to this day when we go, we'll hold hands because I get scared, you laugh at me, but you hold my hand that whole way. Or playing crib, thats our Caitlin and Grandpa thing, when I stay at your house we always do it.

I'll always be your "little girl". I spent over 10 years being your only granddaughter, and being the first born by 4 years, we have those special times that will last a lifetime, I will never forget them. I wont forget that halloween my parent's couldn't take me out, so you drove after working all day from Omemee to Bowmanville, and dressed up as a cow to take me out. Those are the things I'll always remember and take with me where ever I go.

You have taught me so much, you've been one of my greatest teachers in life, ever. You've taught me, without trying, that life doesn't have to be a big serious battle. You don't have to be serious every second of ever day. Laughter truly is the best medicine, and your jokes have cured me from so much

I love you so much Grandpa, I am so lucky to have you in my life, and I know many people WISH they were as lucky as me. I'll always be your little girl, no matter how old I get.

My crazy life..

Ugh, please try to tell me this wouldn't stress you out, I'm not crazy for being stressed, am I?
It all starts tomorrow, two weeks of intense work, maybe even considered hell? Tomorrow, I am babysitting from nine to three, coming home, and then going pumpkin picking. For mine and Emma's personal project, we decided to do scarapolooza, a.k.a halloween week. Big project to do for our first event, but I think we can do it. One of the events throughout the week, is pumpkin decorating, we wanted carving but the princable wouldn't approve, so we're doing decorating. We are picking thirty pumpkins ourself between me, Emma and her dad Frank. Pretty intense. We have to unload all of those in Emma's garage. Then Sunday is my rest day, I'll go to church but not do too much, because it's my only day "off" in two weeks. Monday is our P.A day, but guess whos' going to school, how does that work- like really! Lol.. we are doing some stuff for London our trip we're going on, for three days, so we are going to do that. and then decorate the perch for halloween, then Mrs.Story is going over to Emma's house to pick up the Pumpkins, so we get to RE-LOAD them, and probably unload them at the school right after, fun? No. Not at all actually, ahah.
That is only the next three days... Tuesday is when Scarapolooza starts. They're starting a scavenger hunt, and mummifying teachers. I'm sure we'll have to judge the 'mummified teachers' and award points for the "most creative" I think it should be interesting, but hey, its another event. Wednesday is the pumpkin decorating, so we'll need to judge that, theres also hie and seek hootie, and candy grams being sold, just more crap for us to do in period three. Thursday is our busiest day, we have a bakesale to tend to, not to mention making all the food the night before, and a movie to figure out. I don't know, what . It has to be appropiate, but "halloween-y" and then after school there is a grade nine dance. So far, only five poeple have bought tickets, and it's less thgan a week away. NOT good, I'm worried. If it doesn't go well we won't get anymore dances this year, and I for one, really want one for us! They're so
much fun.S o we have to sell food there. Then Friday is actual halloween, and we'll have to figure out points for costumes, and scavenger hunts too. Theeen, it's halloween night, so me and Emma and steph are going trick or treating, I'm pumped. I haven't been since grade eight:(. Lol. So I am going, and I am being a computer nerd, yeee. Haha, shoudl be interesting again. Saturday I have to pack and get all ready for London trip [London Ontario, Not England, nor Scotland Danny!!] and then me and daddy are going mini putting. On sunday we leave for London, and we are gone until tuesday night. Wednesday I am helping out with grade eight day thing, and then have a dr's app. Thursday I can rest, YES , finally. First day in forever. Friday we're doing our first group event , bring your own banana, for banana splits. Oh, I totally forgot to mention, this is ALL one class, I still have a BUNCH of spanish and health care on top of this. Friggen hell, I know no one will read this - but SHOOT me;how am I going to do this :

Day Eighteen.

I was so close to rock bottom, so close to giving up, so many times. I almost had, and probably would have by now, if I didn't have the support this woman provided. Although, just a job for her, she has saved me and my life. She has been there for me so many times when I needed someone to talk to and kindly reminded me how stupid some of my antics are, she is going to be my saving grace, I know it. I don't have words for my gratefulness I have towards her.


Marnie Grant,

My social worker. I remember her walking down the hall the first day, of my first appointment. I was so sick of sharing my story, and my problems. I had done it to so many people, so many times. It was getting old, and I didn't want to share it anymore. Being a niave 15 year old, I went into her office deciding I didn't want to get better, nor make it better. I didn't want to get help, I was fine. I was content with my feelings, regardless of how absolutely terrible they were.

I was scared, so scared. Scared to share everything with another person just for them to turn away. This was her job, she did it all day everyday, I wasn't anything special to her. My trust that I had in her, started when she said " I know, you've been to many people and many doctors, I know you've shared this many times, and I cheated, Dr.Masobki told me some of it, I won't make you go through it all again"

Marnie has helped me many times, through past situations, and present situations. She taught me how to deal with future situations too. She has showed me, I will be okay. Apointment after appointment, time after time, she has been there to help me go through lives daily struggles, and help me become the person I am almost proud of;

I appreciate you for all you've done Marnie. I know it was your job, and is your job, but you are a person I have utmost respect for, and I could never repay you for all that you have done for me. I love you, I really do.

Day Seventeeennnnn ;

I look up to this one man more than anyone else on the planet. I love him more than words can express, and I would be lost without. He is my reason for existence, and without him I would be literally lost, for ever. I love you soo much

Mike Marr

My Daddy, my daddy is my life, literally. I care about him to death, and I love him with my whole heart. He is amazing and he means everything to me. I literally would be lost without him, and I wouldn't last a day without him.

I can't really explain to you, or him, or anyone what my dad means to me. He is my hero, my reason for living , my life, I love him so much

Daddy, I could type all day about how much I love you, but it would be pointless, no one else needs to know nor care, about it.

I love you to deattth , there is nothing i wouldn't do for you

Day Sixteen

"Friends are forever, boys are whatever". A quote I used so often on one friend, and a quote that didn't stand to be true.

Jennifer Elizabeth Brooks
In 1995, I met the girl that was supposed to be my 'best friend forever', no matter what happened. I was three years old, and never knew the true meaning of friendship. She was there through everything, she sort of had to be, being friends for 13 years means being through it all. She was there during my 'first crush', my 'first love', my 'first heartbreak' and she was my 'first best friend'

You can't just put away the memories, and let everything slide by, and I was not about to compromise. I never expected to go through what we have in the past year, our friendship was too special, and meant too much for me for that, but sometimes you've got to let go and move on, and I had no other choice

I was left to choose friends, left to decide, and make whatever desicion I felt right. I knew choosing friends wouldn't be easy, and I know that I shouldn't of chose friends, and I should of let it be, but I couldn't just leave it.

The hardest choice I ever made was between two friends, I do not regret the choice I made, but I do regret butting Jen out of my life, I won't ever forgive myself for getting rid of Jen. Jen, you've done so much for me, you've been here every step of the way, even when we were fighting, if I truly needed you, you were there. You're supportive of [most] decisions I make, and you make me laugh when tears are running down my face. I couldn't picture my life without you, or your influence on my life, you literally mean the world to me.

No matter what happens Jen, I won't ever give up on this friendship not fully, you mean too much to me for this. I won't give up , on us. I won't let boys ever get in the way again, that has happened too often. I won't stop the random walks, talking about whatever comes to mind. I won't stop laughing or smiling when I think of our many good times. I won't stop missing you, when we don't hang out, nor will I stop missing our past friendship, not now, not ever.

My first best friend, my last best friend, i love you to no end.

Day Fifteen

You've literally always been here, since the day I was born, I always have known I could count on you, for whatever it was. You always tell me how much you love me, and I truly look up to you, even though I often don't know how to express that.

Kelly Marr,

My Mommy. I know this blog might shock many of you, because you often hear the negative bullshit that escapes my lips, and not all this good I'm about to express. My Mom, has been there forever, and that I mean. She did everything for me, and she has tried and worked her hardest for me, since the day I was born.

September 10th, 1992, was one of the best days of her life, her baby girl was born, and her one day pride and joy. My mom, is the one I go to when I'm broken, and no one else cares. My Mom is the one who tells me I am beautiful, and I am smart. My Mom is the one who is there when the whole world walks out, telling me I'm worth more than that.

Mommy, no matter what I say, or how I act, you are my hero, and my life. I would be lost if ANYTHING ever happened to you, and I would not be able to live another day. No matter what happens, always know you baby girl loves you, looks up to you, and needs you more than anything in this world.

In her daughters eyes, she is a hero. She is strong and wise, and knows no fear. But the truth is plain to see, she was sent to rescue me. I see who I want to be, in my daughters eyes.

Puttng the Negative Glasses to rest....

I had a really good talk with my social worker today, probably one of the best. She had asked me to write a list, catorgorizing what I disliked about myself, weither it is Self Image or Self Esteem. I did so, and she asked me to pick one thing off the list that I would love to change, I would love to change my weight, I would love to change my face, and my personality, and my everything, but above all, I chose the negativity in my life.

I am a negative person, I know it and I believe it. Marnie helped me realize why. I dislike myself so much, that I want everyone to feel as terrible as I do. It makes sense, if I feel shitty about myself, they should too. If I hate my thighs, they should hate theirs. Although, that sounds naive and childish, it was my train of thought.

She asked me what a day would look like without my negative glasses, if a self esteem fairy came at night and stole them away from me, haha. I told her what a wonderful day it would be, how happy everyone would be, including myself. I realized my reasons for being negative are stupid, and not worth the pain I'm enduring, and or causing others.

Tomorrow, my negative glasses will be at rest, I hope you all can hold me accountable for it.

Day Fourteen.

"You manky slut!"

Carolann Sutherland.

I honestly could not imagine health care class without this girl. She is literally the definition of hilarious, and I never know what to expect. The jokes, and things this scottish girl comes up with , are honestly outragous.

I love you, Carolann. You're so funny, and my favourite Scottish girl, like ever :). Thanks for always making me laugh, and cheering me up during class, no matter my mood. You are actually amazing, and this is all sober, LOL. I couldn't imagine your drunk as I've heard all these stories, oh god.

I hope your appointment goes well tonight, LOL. I guess I'll see a video of it in this class, right? hahaa. We need to hang out, love you bitch :D

Day Thirteen

I have already wrote about this person, just a meer week ago, but re-reading her blog, I did not do her justice. Not to mention, I've learned soo much about her today.


Carron Manning

Only last week I stated why she was so amzaing. I told you how much she had been through in her life, and she was still so strong. I learned soo much more about Carron today, I learned what went on with her and her husband, and although I won't share, I could not imagine it. I learned how betrayed and hurt she was, how close she was to the edge.

How she has been in the position I am in, so many times, with many harder situations. I learned why she broke down, last week. How it was her 27th wedding anniversary if they were married, nd how they played her old piano that he used to play her love songs on.

Carron, has always done many things to show she loves us. From the simple hug she gave us through her tears this morning, to the pricely present she left the Vincents this evening, knowing how hard their day was.

Carron is a role model, and I love her, for being strong when no one else is.

Day Twelve.

I just realized, I'm missing a day. I know EXACTLY who I am going to write about ; so here you go :);


I still remember walking into that math class, every single day. Scared out of my mind, knowing you were going to be there, you were going to talk about me, you were going to make fun of me. and you werre gonig to put your backpack on that chair. I remember, how slowly I'd walk from third period to fourth, you intimdated me beyond belief. I remember how close I was to giving up and in because I couldn't handle YOU!

Stephanie Anne Smith!

Its funny, when talking about steph. We have been from best to worst, in a matter of years. In grade nine, you did the single nicest thing for me, I could ever pin point, and forthat I will ALWAYS be thankful. You asked me to have lunch with you, that September 25th, two days after I had lost my best friend, I couldn't ever repay you for that.

We have had our drama Steph, but honestly, not a day goes by that you don't make me laugh so hard I want to pee my pants, that you don't say something soo stupid, but soo funny, that you don't make me question "why the HELL am I her friend!?!"

We have had our past, and that is undenable, I might not ever forget whats happened, and I might not ever be 100 percent okay with it, but honestly, my day would not be the same without you, and I am so thankful for your friendship

You taught me how to be strong, you really did.
I love you.

Day Eleven.

My trust always happens to fall in the hands of adults, or atleast people my age. I don't have very many friends at all, but the ones I have are my age, and much much older. I never expected to have a friendship with someone two years younger, especially my best friend at the times, sister.

Rachel Anne

I don't really have words for Rachel, I don't. Rachel is two years younger than me, a minor niner, but I am soo proud to admit I'm her friend.

You won't meet many people with a bigger heart than rachel, many people who are more open, more loving, more caring. I guess I'm just blessed to know her. I would give my right arm for Rachie, I love her like any older sister would. I guess I've just got the good end of the deal, I don't have to live with her! Haha. We ALL know that doesn't work, at all.

We've been through everything me and Rach. We've been through almost losing our friendship quite a few times,but especially after camp. We didn't want anything to do with each other, but slowly, that changed, and we are best friends once again.

Rachel has taught me so much. She has helped me feel loved in the hardest of times, shes given me the biggest hug ever when I need it. She has provided me with her loving family, who are - pretty much - my second family. She has done so much for me, I couldn't imagine my life without her, and Rach; I wouldn't want to.

I love you so much.

Day ten.

I thought long and hard about todays post, whcih really should of been yesterdays but I didn't get a chance. This blog could of waited, it could of been any one of these blogs, and if I waited I might have more to say, but I feel like writing about her today.

"Have I told you how amazing you girls are?" "Yes, you tell us every single day!"

Mrs.Rhonda Story

No, I am not writing about my teacher because I am a suck up. Or because I pray my marks will be raised, I am writing about a huge influence in my life, who happens to be my teacher. This year, going into SLiC [student leaders initiatining change] I was terrified. I am not a leader, I am not ready for change. I am not outgoing. I can't do it !

That is the last time Mrs.Story would let me say I can't do it. Every time I try, I get the look and the remark "You can do ANYTHING!" Mrs.Story, is a huge part of the change I have become and done , in so little time. I have already become more organized, more open, more loving and more outgoing.

Mrs.Story, is always making me smile! She is so funny, and she is so nice. I never imagined a teacher being such an influence. I never imagined a teacher would tell me I am amazing, every single day; multiple times!

Mrs.Story, I owe you so much. I owe you many thanks, thanks for helping me become more confident, and always reminding me I CAN do it! For always listening, when I needed someone. For being so damn amazing in so little time. I really do love you.

Day Nine.

I remember the first time, I ever was made to feel beautiful. Maybe it wasn't the first time, but it was the first time a guy had called me beautiful and made me feel special. I couldn't ever forget those phone calls, those 'I love you's' those many conversations, that I never wished would of ended. But, all good comes to an end, eventually ; & I guess that didn't fail me this time either.

Tom Stephenson

Everyone has fallen for someone hard, and gotten hurt. He was my someone. He was just another guy, one who lived in England actually, whcih sucked because I truly cared for him. He was Emma's friend, who annoyed me to no end. I had never expected myself to like him as a friend, let alone how I ended up feeling.

Me and Him fought alot, we were like the two kids that couldn't get along, no matter what you did. Until that faithful day in November. We started talking, both apologizing for our stupid ways, prior. I started falling, and falling hard. How did I fall for a guy who I've never met, never seen in real life, and never talked to other than on the computer? I sure didn't see this one coming..

Oh I looked forward to being his friend, his girlfriend, and his "pal". I was a little ashamed to admit I was dating someone whom i'd never met and lived in England, but I cared about him, a lot , so I would put up with it.

I won't ever forget how he made me feel, and how he made me laugh. I won't forget watching 'when harry met sally' and being on the phone at the same time. Laughing about it, and talking about how similar we are to that. Oh, it was so much fun. I remember talking for hours, with him. Crying with him, and just talking to him, always. I dropped a lot for him, and to this day, I don't regret it.

Tom not only taught me what love was, he taught me how to love. He taught me I was special in my own way, and his daily "i love you's" and "you're beautiful" still stick with me in the toughest of times.

Day Eight.

I was in grade six, I had just started my friendship with a girl, she was trying to convince me to go to youth group - me; church?!?!?! No, way . I didn't believe in God let alone want to persue ANYTHING with him. He hadn't helped me when I needed him, why would I try to be anything remotely close to loving toward him.

Emily Vincent

I was so young, so naive, not willing, nor trying. But, I did go to youth group, and i think that accounts for atleast half the person I am today. I would have to thank Emily for it all, you see. Way back then, we were best of friends. She was my best friend, and we'd have so much fun together. I have many videos to prove that one.

I could be myself, she loved me , even when I was weird - since shes weird tooo! She could respect and even love that, I loved being myself, around someone, it was nice. Me and Emily grew up and grew apart. I did so much bad to her, I'm surprised she'll even look me in the eyes, I could never forgive for what I did, but I hope she has

Getting close to her sister , Rachel; has got us talking again, and 'deep'. I trust her, and I hope and pray, she trusts me too . I know it wouldn't be easy, but I hope me keeping my word in situations we were involved in has help. Our love for her sister, and our caring for her safety has helped us become friends.

Emily, witohut you, I honestly don't know where or what I would be. You helped me in so many times of need. When me and Emma weren't friends and I was so close to letting go and giving up, but I didn't because I had you. You helped me, by talking and comforting me.

You are a huge part of who I am, and why I am "me" . I hope one day you realize how much you've truly helped me in this path we call life. Friends or not, 20 years down the road, I'll remember, you helped me get here.
I love you.
Thank-you.

Day Seven.

I'm proud of myself, everyday I've done one of these, yay :)


"I can get the candy, I'm going to bulk barn to get candy for my party anyways" I didn't know saying those few words in Science that day in grade eight, would haunt me. Nor did I know it would start one of the most amazing friendships I've ever had.

Emma Hazell
Since that faithful day in grade eight, I've had a best friend. I've had a friend by my side, if literally or not, since that day. I've never been given up on , or not cared for. My life has changed drastically since we met, and I couldn't imagine going back to how it used to be, every single day.

The first time she moved , teared me apart more than anything in this world, it also helped me become the person I am, and deal with things the way I do. In a weird, twisted, way I am thankful I had to go through the experience.

Since then shes moved away again, it was hard this time, but nothing like last time. Her return this time, made our friendship more amazing than anything ever before. We have every class together but ONE this year, and it helps strengthen our friendship on a regular basis.

For the rest of my life, my family is her family, my house is her house, my clothes are her clothes, and my friendship is her friendship.

I love you to death, Emma. Thank-you for all you've done for me, I would be lost without you.

Day Six.

I sat in church on this beautiful thanksgiving morning, I sat beside a woman I have known for a while and respect a lot. She has been there through a lot for all of us, she is not only my sunday school teacher, youth group leader, but she is someone I look up to and respect a lot. I sat there, and watched her slowly and quietly breakdown, a woman who has been through so much in her lifetime, and continues to, as a single mom to two young men, on autistic, a teacher, a youth group leader and a sunday school teacher, I don't know how she does it.

Carron Manning.
I remember many good times with Carron around, I remember youth first starting with Uncle Mike and Elsa, and Carron too. I was scared, I was used to youth one way and one way only, they were about to dramatically change this and I wasn't ready.

Carron has been my sunday school teacher for quite a few years now, I remember being upset with some of the ways she does her lessons, and not respecting her the way she deserved, not giving her my all, and wasting her time. I have put Carron through a lot, and that is a new realization to me. I've disrespected her, I've ignored her, and I have wasted her time, time and time again. I am now mature enough and old enough to admit my faults.

Carron goes out of her way for all of us, she does whatever she can, and she cares and loves us uncondionally. I know I would not be where I am with God, or with anyone, had Carron not been a part of my life.

I always knew she was strong, but watching her break down today made me realize the amounts of strength it must take just to live the life shes been given. I love you, Carron - thank-you, for not giving up on ME when I wanted nothing to do with what you were saying.

Day Five!

I'm going to take a different path on today, because last night, someone really helped me when I was 'down', so this is for you :)

The doorbell rang, and I remember running to my room and hiding. Emma was here, and I knew who was at the door, I could see her. I knew I was going to get in trouble, I knew she was here to defend her daughter. My Mom had no idea what was about to come, all I could do was hide. I slightly opened my door, so I could hear what they were talking about - afterall it involved me - right?

I heard the conversation go something like her teling my mom what I had said to her daughter on facebook, the awful words I relayed to her, saying it because I was mad. Things I would never want said to me, yet I said them to others.

That night, I never expected this woman would mean as much as she does to me now. I never thought I would look up to her as I do, see her as a motherly figure as I do.

Sue Vincent,

I remember going through the hardest part of my life last year, many people got me out of the rutt I was far jammed into, but honestly, without her I would still be there, she is the main person I have to thank for that. I remember her bringing the bible over to my house that one night, I remember looking at her and thinking, that book will not get me out of the depression, the pills, the alcohol, and the rutt. I remember her sitting there telling me she loved me and thought of me as a daughter, and cared for me as one. I remember wantign to work hard to get out of it, not only for me, but for the lovely support team I had in all five of the vincents.

Sue, I don't know where I would be or what I would do without you, I am so glad you are in my life and I love you.

p.s each of the vincents have helped me differently, and each of them will get their blog one day- even toria :]

school,

arghhh. such a hard choice, for school and stuff - but i'm coming into the second month of school, and realizing its my second last year, and soon enough i'll be choosing classes for next year. It is a stressful process, as I need to know WHAT I want to be in order to choose cclasses. I spoke to one of the people in the guidance office, Mrs.Munro, and changed my ENTIRE schedule, once again for next semester. Although, i think my decisions were good, I am nervous for how hard it is going to be and what to expect. I have changed it many times, this being the last. This morning, I went in there having a two period co-op , college math, and parenting. I left with mixed level math, a peer helping with mrs.story, and mrs.munro [my favourite teachers :)] university english and an antropology, sociogoly and psycology class. Much different than previously, I know. I did not want to drop my co-op but I know, I need that English to get into anything next year. It was either that, or summer school. Which I don't want to do, especially for a MONTH. Ugh, so I guess we'll see. I have to go tell the teacher I was orginally co-oping for that I can't do it anymore, I feel so bad. But, In order to become something, in social sciences, I need SIX University classes next year, and I only get eight. So, I need to get my hard classes done, now. I guess I get six hard ones next semester, ahh . Life-- its killer aha. Not to mention I need like an 80 average atleast to get into the university I want to ... : ugh, it'll be a hard year next year.

Day four.

Another one for the internet, I figure that is a good theme to start with, as theres many of them. This might be different than anyother one I've ever done.

"I wonder if its in the mail yet" I exclaimed as I RAN to mail box daily. It was just days after my grade eight graduation and everyday I would check the mail. I was WAITING for that card and that little present that I didn't know what was coming. Finally it arrived. "Caitlin Marr" the envelope said. I was so excited, I ran home and opened it .

In that envelope there was a beautiful picture, of Glo, Monica and her starting over cousin, who I loved a lot. The little present, was a cross, a cross I still have and look at often for a smile, when I think of us and our previous friendship.

Glo Ayala

Glo meant a lot to me, she was there for me through many tough times, I remember many days coming home and everyday like three, we would go on webcam and microphone , we had many good times, and I miss that.

We often discussed meeting, mainly at my highschool graduation, she promised she'd be there, it is going to be hard when she isn't.

We went through a lot, a lot together, a lot seperately, a lot in general. When she lost her son, we all lost her. She went through so much she just wasn't who she used to be. I often felt selfish for being upset she was different, when she had so much going on. I understood she was different, and that was going to happen. I couldn't get over being treated terrible.

The last straw was when she was in Spain with Jessica, she did so many terrible things to Jess. The thing was, I would of literally done anything to go on that trip, anything in my power. I couldn't, Glo could - and she totally ruined it. I said many harsh words, and said things I don't mean. The truth is, I miss her. But I guess thats life.

Day three.

I am starting with "internet" friends, people I met online and kept talking to for a while to come.

I logged onto Myspace on January 1st, 2007, I had requested a friend on myspace merely the day before. I saw her on Jessicas page and was interested, curiousity got the best of me, like always. But I would not of traded my curious ways for anything - not when these situations come out of it.

I remember being really hurt, that new years. I had drank the night before, for the first time, as young and unexperienced grade nine, I thought I was having fun, and I figured why not, everyone else did it. Not everyone felt that way. I remember Jessica being so disapointed, not BECAUSE I drank, but because my reasons. It seeems as if I am going off track, but it all plays a part in this friendship.

December 31st, 2006. I got into a huge fight with Glo, she'll have a blog soon. She hurt me so bad, she did things I had never expected from her, but she lost her son only months previously. I was young, and I was hurt. The things she said still stick with me these days, I drank to numb the pain I didn't know how to numb otherwise.

Megan Meyers

Megan sent me an e-mail that day. She sent me one, filled with compassion and understanding, an explanation, since she too knew Jessica, she understood her point of few. I respect Megan greatly for that day. Jessica was mad, Glo was out of the picture, and I felt alone, Megan helped me a lot.

That was only the start of our friendship, I remember many days needing someone and Megan being right there. I leant on her A LOT for never ending and always loving support, I would of been lost without her some of those days. She considered me like a little sister, and I looked up to her as a big one. I worshipped her in the non-weird, non-creepy way. I'd never had an older sister, and I didn't see anything more amazing than this.

We had our hard times, too. I put her through a lot, I expected her to fix every single problem I had, I realize later, that was not humanly possible. Megan has encountered a lot in her 31 years on this planet, and to her, I'm sure they looked like little, pety problems, and anyone else would of shrugged them off - not my big sister!

We would talk on the phone for hours, and laugh about absolutely nothing. I would have so much fun on the phone with her, and we'd talk about meeting, and other things. When the world walked out, my sister walked in.

The hardest thing I've probably ever had to deal with was partically brought on by myself. I sent the most terrible e-mail I have ever sent to anyone. I feel bad for it to this day, It was filled with ill words and harsh accusations. I regret it, it brought on something that may not of occured, and really affected me.

I remember logging on the next day, and she had deleted her myspace and facebook. I remember texting her, and being terrible upset when I did not get a response. I did not realize this is how things would be for the next months. Many many months, I went without talking to Megan. I was hurt, and distrought inside. I didn't know, the feeling of "loss" until my big sister disappeared.

I went to such an extent, I called her work and almost called her neighbours asking where she was. I needed her. I was going through a lot, and I wanted my sister to be by my side. I wanted to hear she loved me, and to hear I was important to her. She finally emailed me just days after almost calling her neighbours. I remember getting that e-mail, and just crying. Not because what she said, because I knew - she was alive, she was around, and my sister was back

Things really haven't been the same since she stopped talking to me almost a year and a half ago. We're back in contact, and we still talk almost daily. I love her as much as I did before. I still hold a bit of a grudge, but sis, I'm working on it.

Day Two

Well I am on the Kentucky "path" I think I should do another person who has influenced me greatly over the few years I've known her.

"I'm beautiful" "I'm beautiful" "I'm beautiful" I looked in the mirror and said. I didn't believe it, but my friend decided if I look in the mirror and say it 10 times a day, maybe I will one day believe it. I said many many times, and still have yet to believe it. I remember calling her, and saying "Suzi! I said it 10 times today and yesterday, and i STILL don't believe it" She was shopping, it was a saturday or sunday morning, I don't know how I remember the details.

Suzi Hampton

I'd met Suzi online a while back. I was into starting over at this point, and had all the starting over girls on my myspace page. Suzi did too, and she would comment them and their pictures and I would see her. One picture caught my eye of her, and I still remember it. She was wearing a pretty bright green colored sweater, with a really dark blue background. I remember being curious, as her comments were always so nice.

I remember adding Suzi, in fear of her being like " who are you little girl, get off my page". She accepted me, and from that moment on, she was one of the nicest people I have ever met...

Suzi has come to Toronto many times , and many times I remember aching to meet her. I would do anything to get down to that airport, but I never could. It was sad, because I loved and love Suzi a whole lot, and knowing she is an hour away, tops, is hard when you have never met.

I remember Jess telling me she[as in Jess] was coming , in March, for my baptism. I was overjoyed. I was so excited to see her again. She said she had a surprise too. I guessed endless days this surprise, and did not get an answer for a long , long , time. I had never quite guessed THIS, that she would bring her best friend to see me. Her best friend, Suzi. She ended up bringin her little daughter Caitlin too, but that is a whole another day blog.

I remember, standing outside, seeing the van drive down the street. Nerves like nothing else overtook my whole body. I wanted to turn around and run inside, but then remembered they were coming inside so that wouldn't do much. I stood there as the van pulled to a stop. Jess got out of the drivers seat and I gave her a big hug. That wasn't hard, I had already met her and was estatic to see her again. Suzi got out of the passengers seat, and it was like a sigh of relief for me, FINALLY. Finally I had met this woman who I talked to for like two years, and I was finally face to face with her.

Day One.

My first day I decided I would blog about someone who is very close to me, and who I care about very deeply, you have heard a lot about her, so the challenge will moreso be to say what you haven't.

"I'm soo maad, I can't stand you Mom and dad."
That remark started one of the most amazing friendships I could ever ask for. August 16th, 2006. I was a confused, sad, thirteen year old who missed her friend in Guatamala. I was wanting one thing and one thing only, that one thing I did not receive, but I got a better gift, one I could of never expected. A friendship, one that has lasted over two years now. Jessica Reynolds, a 32 year old woman, who had encountered a lot in her life, and was going through losing her step daughter, responded to that sad bulletin. Asking me if there was anyway she could help, although I didn't take her up on her help then, shes been my saving grace for the past almost 26 months. Her simple request started a friendship that has been my life, and saved me from so much.

Jessica Reynolds

I care about her a lot, I care about her like a mom, and like a friend who is always understanding. She provides a motherly love and care, and understanding like no other friend I had ever had. She gets mad at me when I do wrong things, which has helped me a lot. If I drink, she knows, and she gets mad, which makes me feel bad, and stops me. Her friendship, is not just a friendship, it is a loving, safe, 'home' that I can always count on. We do not talk everyday, anymore, which truthfully is better for the both of us. But, I know. The second I need her, she is there.

I love her a lot, I don't know what I would do without her and her direction. I would be stuck in so many rutts if I didn't have her as a backup. I love this story, so I am going to tell it, because i'm sure its one that hasn't been heard.

I ran upstairs, and shut my door, as Jessica and Suzi and my Mom finished their supper. I sat on my computer, crying, and loathing in self pity. Suzi came and checked on me, knowing I left dinner pretty quick. "Are you okay, sweetie?" said Suzi in her kentucky accent. "Yeah I'm fine" as I wiped away the tears. She gave me a hug, knowing I wasn't fine, but I clearly did not want to talk about it. Jessica walked into my room, and asked what was wrong. I was bawling at this point "Nothing!". "If nothing is wrong then why are you crying?" .. I replied almost as in a grunt " I don't know .." and just kept on the computer as she sat down on my bed. She knew something was wrong and wasn't going to let me get away that easily. She presurred me a bit more " Something must be wrong, and saying I don't know isn't getting us anywhere". I finally exclaimed, " I guess.. you and Suzi know each other so well and talk about stuff and I feel left out ". A sudden feeling of not only relief but stupidity came over me. Jessica drove hours and hours to come see me, and I was acting like this. She said "We live in the same place, this is real life for us, and we didn't mean to not include you ". "I guess, this trip is just a lot different than the first one and I wasn't expecting it, I was expecting more me and you time". The more I spoke the more stupid I felt. I requested Jessica to bring Suzi and Caitlin, and I really wanted to meet them, why was I behaving like this, am I that pathetic? We went into my bathroom, she was going to dye my hair. I was still bawling, I don't know what was wrong with me. She passed me a klenex and said "Now its coming out of your nose" I started laughing, I think that was what I needed . Jessica requested me and her go out for lunch the next day, her last day. It took a lot of convincing but I did convince them, and I had an amazing time. Jessica took me out for lunch, and paid for my lunch. After driving like 10 hours to visit me, SHE was taking me out of lunch. Something wasn't right, but I guess thats Jessica for you.

I love you so much , Jess. Thank you, I wouldn't have it any other way. My first blog, my first day of 365.

365 days,

On myspace I had decided I was going to blog for the next 365 days, about someone who has impacted my life, either positively, or negatively. I got this idea from the very special Jessica Reynolds. I decided I would perfer to do it on here as I would rather do it on this site, where it is a little more private from people I do not want to read it, as they do not have my link. It should be an interesting challenge to do so, as 365 days is a lot - I'm sure it will bring up much emotion, pain, and bad feelings. But I am ready for it :]

Girls night.

I know I won't get through this without crying, so it's going to be a tough blog to type, just because I held most of it in tonight.

I'm part of a class, called SLiC, student leadership initating change. Clearly, we're trying to make this school a better place in this class, and change everyones view of our school, and atleast make it a bit exciting. Someone had the idea to have a p.j party with the grade nine girls! So they all come in their pjs, and we bring up many conversations. Having to do with self confidence, and many other things. Tonight, was the practise one to see how it would go, just with our slic class, there were about 12 girls, and our teacher. It was from 5-9, and consisted of much more than just talk and pizza. We did many activities, but the two that I will forever remember go like this. The one was we got a piece of paper, and had to fold it in three, we had to write our names on the front. She gave us six minutes, and for that six minutes we had to write STRAIGHT about stuff we like about ourselves. [Here come the tears, I warned you]. This was a hard activity for me. I could sit there for hours writing about stuff i DON'T like, but to actually express what I do like was not easy. I wrote a bunch of stuff and searched a bit deeper, inside me, to see what I liked. Once doing that, I realized a whole lot. I wrote for that whole six minutes and filled the inside up. We had to paper clip the sheet together, and pass it around and the class had to write something about us [ and now i'm bawling! ]. I got such amazing things on mine, that I tried soo hard not to cry while reading it , I was a wreck tonight. People said stuff like " so pretty and so amazing" and stuff like that, it just got to me, I never realized people though highly of me. I am definately keeping this paper for years to come, to read when I'm down. The other task that REALLY got to me, and most of the class was -- we had to bring something that meant something to us, and she made us explain why. One girl brought a picture of her and her dad who died when she was in grade five, another girl brought something from a funeral from a man that raised her and was practically like her dad. She started bawling explaining to us what he meant to her, and how hard it was to watch him be sick. That started the water falls, so many people cried. We had a group hug, and everything was amazing. But , that night, I won't soon forget. I feel closer to EVERYONE than ever before. We laughed, we cried, but most importantly, we made everlasting memories, and I love each and everyone of you. I'm soo appreciative of taking this class, its going to change my life. I know it.

why don't you hit me when I'm down.

Yesterday, I went on a trip, to a camp, and it was amazing. I have so many pictures, but I am currently at school and haven't gotten a chance to load them since we were home late. We got there, and did a bunch of group games. I must let you know it was for my leadership class, so it was a very leadership based camp. The group games were fun, but what came next was even better. He asked us to line up, in alaphebetic order, WITHOUT talking, by MOM'S first names. So finally, we did it, and we were split in half. Me adn Emma were in different groups because my Moms name is Kelly, and hers is Tracey. So, my group, went to this little room. Where we were told a story, a fake story, but a funny one. It was about a place called Sablova or something. Sablova got in a fight, about shoe soles, and lollipops. And split into two groups, upper sablova and lower sablova, and we were upper. We had to make up a bunch of stuff, like when they sent three of their people to our group, and when they said the word "you" we were scared and had to run and hide. When they whispered, we'd cover our ears and say EARMUFFS, to be polite and not listen to their conversation. When they entered our "greeting" was ... "got your nose" and we'd steal their noses from them. Our national anthem was "icky bicky bocky, sablova, UPPPPPPER" the upper being high pitched. Well saying that we had to stick our head through our legs with our hands on our butts. It was a hilarious game, and we left the other group quite confused (:. It was hilarious, but the whole message of the game was to show diversity, because being a leadership group, we see and experience a lot of diversity in our school. Like, they thought it was weird, when we "stole" their noses, as we think many things are weird that people do in our school, but its their way of lives. It was an interesting way to show it but it made sense. We did many trust activities too, our teacher even tried this one. We had a rope type thing, I don't really know what it was, but we criss crossed it ten times, and someone laid on it. First, we had to rock them back and forth, and then throw them in the air. We dropped the first guy, which was partially my fault. He landed on my fingers, and it really hurt, and without thinking me and this other girl just let go, so it was our fault there, but he got back on and we did it again and it was fine! We did it to a bunch of other people too, but our teacher even trusted us to throw her up, which says a lot about her class, specially since we didn't drop her! LOL. I think she gained even more trust after that. We did this other activity, but it wasn't all that exciting and I have soo much more to write about, and I doubt anyone will read this as it is! We went to our next activity, with this girl with a really annoying voice! It was high ropes, and I am still, kicking myself over this activity, hence the name. High ropes, was about 20 feet in the air, if not more, and we had to climb a ladder, and then climb this things that went around and were about a foot away from each other. I was so scared, I was doing it in the dark almost and was just terrified. I got up the top of the ladder, and I'm like, I can't do it anymore. The guy that was watching us at this point,t hat was amazingly good looking, and saved my life, was like go one more step higher than you thought you could. I'm like, YEAH I'M THERE. He was like get to the platform. Oh my god, if you knew how scared I was you'd understand. I was shaking adn hanging on for dear life. I climbed up and around to the platform, and was done. He was like take the first step, So I did. But I couldn't push myself anymore. I am still regretting this and am thoroughly disapointed in my choice, because I really wanted to do it and didn't believe in myself enough to do so. He told me to lean back and he'd let me down. I'm 25 feet in the air, on this thing that swings, and hes telling me to lean back? I thought he was crazy! But, I did so, and slowly slid off the swing, and got off of the high ropes, I was near tears, just being so insanely angry at myself, for not finishing. I am still not over it, and am still so angry I did not do it, but I know, next time. I will definaltey do it! What a day I had. It was amazing, and I can't wait to post pictures later this evening.

My Birthday.

So by far, this is the best birthday I have EVER had. It was amazing in more ways than one. I had a wonderful day at school, it was simple, and my teacher brought in timbits (:. My best friend came over in the morning with a candle, and made me blow it out sixteen times, she got me a beautiful locket. My Bampa came over after school with a really pretty necklace from Ireland, that I adore! I went out for dinner with the Hysons and My favourite aunt and Uncle. I got more presents there. I opened my aunts present, she brought me roses too! And on the card it says we're going to get our noses pierced (:. So, I'm excited for that. And then I opened my MOms and it was a Carrie Underwood CD and she was like "I'm sorry I know you wanted to go to the concert, I hope that is okay" And I'm like yeah thats fine. And Jills like theres more in there, and I'm like .. No, its empty. She looked again, and shes like noo, its noot. So I'm likeWHAT! And I lift up the bottom part of it, ANNNNNND Threee BEAUTIFUL Carrie underwood TICKETS for her concert were in there. Me, My best friend, and My MOM are going, I AM SO EXCITED :D. October seventh. Turns out my Aunt and Cousin are going too :P. Then I opened Quinn's present and it was a chicken soup book, my absolute FAV. books. Then Garth and Jills and it was a movie gift card, which works because I'm always wanting to go to the movies. And I haven't even gotten two or three family presents. Honestly, best birthday ever. I'm so happy.

PICTURES.

I look really

really

really fat

in all of them

just an fyi,

Blowing out the candle.

Opening Carrie Underwood CONCERT tickets

Fav. Aunt

AGAIN.

He kissed me!!! Hence the face. LOL.

Awwwwh, I love you.

OMG. They made me STAND up, as they announced my NAME and AGE, and SANG, with that on my head:

Me and Uncle <33.

I look like a cow :(. But I love him soo much

& i'm offically sixteen.

Well , not technically, I suppose. September 10th 1992, around 7:30 pm, Caitlin Alexandra Marr was born. I was 8 pounds 9 ounces, a big baby [somethings never change!!] I was always a happy baby, and rarely caused any troubles for my parents. I guess I saved those for the teen years. I am finally sixteen years old. I'm consitered a young adult, I can drive [well , i'm "of age' i can't drive yet though!] I am so excited for tonight. I am going out for dinner with my Mom, and Dad, and brother. The Hysons, Jill, Garth, Ally, and Brooke. And my favouritest Aunt and Uncle EVER, Aunt Susan and Uncle Rob. We are going to open presents there, and have a good time with a few of my most favourite people . I'll try to get some pictures. I love you all (:

School,

is intense! Like seriously, ah I want to pull all my hair out. Don't get me wrong, I adore SLiC and I adore doing stuff for the school and being a part of something "bigger" buuuut, it has me exhausted in everyway possible. It is only Monday of the second week of school too! Already, we've planned two events, had two events, delievered many SAC PACS [student activity card + much more] and it doesn't seem like a lot, but we're working every period two, every lunch and every spare we have, I am going insane.

My birthday is Wednesday. I had a party on the weekend, which was fun, minus the stupid drama, and a girl storming out of my house at like one am, yay, girl drama! It never ends, which depresses me extremely, I want to get out of it and away from it. I am excited for my birthday and I am quite unsure why. I know we do not have any money and I know my gift will extravagant. I feel as if, I'm sixteen, and it should be a big year. I guess I watched a few too many "sweet sixteen shows". We'll see what happens though, my dad did tell me it is unable to be returned, which makes me suspicious. I'm probably hoping too much.

Summer '08

As summer of two thousand and eight , draws to an end, I'm filled with sadness. Sadness, I simply cannot explain - this surely was NOT the best summer of my life, by any means. It was filled with fights, drama, and a lot of work. I spent too much of this summer doing nothing, and far too much working. I regret going to camp, as it was a lot of drama, tears, fights, and stupid stuff, and was three weeks of my summer. But then I look back, and think wow. I wouldn't be as close with Kimberley as I am, or cherish Rachel as much as I do BECAUSE of what we went through. I wouldn't of met AMAZING friends, or learned half as much as I did about working. I have FINALLY, after nearly a week, come to a conclusion about my feelings with Emma being here. I am happy to have her back. We hung out a bit this week, but I made sure I also hugn out with Rachel. I want everyone to know that nothing is going to change, but if anything I am just going to be happier. Me and Emma have had a lot of fun this past week, and I look forward to this coming school year with her. Yes, I am TERRIFIED she will move once again, but I know I just have to take it day by day, and not try to look too far into the future, as I am just scaring myself about stuff I don't know. I need to go and shower, and do my hair, and then go to bed. Tomorrow is my first day of grade 11, its kind of a big day and 6:50 comes way earlier than I'm used to. Not to mention I have to babysit til 12:30 or 1 am tomorrow. ugh. R.I.P Summer 2008. I'll post pictures of my last day of summer when I get time this week. I have school, then babysitting, then wednesday, school and homework, thursday getting everything ready for my party, friday my party, and etcetcetcetc.

School!

I start school tuesday, and I am soo nervous, but so excited at the same time. One of the classes I took this year is soo out of my boundries, and comfort-zone. It is called "SLiC" and it is pretty much the class that deals with all the leadership stuff, and such. I am terrible with big groups of people, and I put myself in this class, don't ask me why. But, it worries me. Another thing that worries me, is I changed all my classes [but my two period co-op] to match Emmas. Good that I will have friends in it - yes. But, bad that if we get in a fight, or stop being friends, I have 6/8 classes with her, thats a tad bit worrysome. I don't know if it was the best move, but also, it will help us not fight because we know that we have to see each other every period this semester, and all afternoon next. My classes are, healthcare, SLiC, spare [ i'm on a waiting list for living spaces ] and spanish -- Second semester. My two period co-op with grade twos at my old school, Spare [i'm on a waiting list for math ... : ] and parenting. The whole spare and waiting list thing sucks too. As you can see I don't even HAVE english this year. Because my English was slotted in the only period spanish was, I had to choose so I chose spanish, so she moved my english to second period but said I had to choose a class to take while I'm on the waiting list. I do not want to do a class for two weeks, and then stop and go into another one - no thanks. So I totally dropped it, and I have to take two englishes next year, and if I don't get MATH this year, I have a math next year. I haven't even started this year . AH. I'm so nervous, after this blog lol.

what I day I had.

Yesterday was a fairly good day, I think the other baseball team heard me bragging about my wonderful day and wanted to put an end to it. I went to the church baseball games, as I always do to cheer on my team, goooo courtice baptist [ who won their first game yesterday :D ] and they have about three or four games going on at once. So, for the second game we switched from diamond six to diamond seven. I watched about 15-20 minutes of this game enjoying myself greatly. There was this cute baby, and everyone was just having fun. Now, the league rules are you have to call heads up if it is coming near people. In my case, this was not done. Next thing I know, I have this HORRIBLE pain in my head, as I realize a baseball hit me in the back of the head from 15 ft away. Now, all i can say is they are LUCKY they didnt hit that little baby. But, I was sitting there, trying not to bawl, not to look like a baby. Everyone checked to make sure I was okay, which I was, just i had this headache from hell. I didn't even have a bump though. I thin that could be thanks to having really poooffy unstraightened hair in a ponytail, which im thankful for. Sue Vincent, Emily and Rachels Mom is a nurse, and she checked on me and saw I started crying [even though I did my best to hide it LOL ] they decided to take me home. When I got there, after a 45 minute drive, that is usually 15 but because of traffic we took forever. Sue stated they should take me to the emergancy room because I got hit pretty hard, and I was silent the whole way home, except for my "mhms" and "yes" to are you alright. My parents knew me being quite, ESPIECIALLY with the vincents was unusual. So we went off to the hospital for a three hour wait - FINALLY it was my turn. I had to do some weird tests. Like I mean weird, he made me feel crazy. But, he said I did have a minor concussion, and if it progresses to come back. So I am "okay" now, not to say I am not in pain, because boy - thats not the truth, but, I guesss I've gotta take what I'm dealt


p.s
emmas on her plane now.
way to make a girls head feel worse,
trying to wrap it around that.

....still confused.

I figure I will blog since I was supposed to be leaving my house six minutes ago for church, but was told the wrong time. So I am ALL ready an hour early, woohoo -- NOT. Could of slept in, anyways. I really have not gotten any advice on this Emma thing and it is begining to take over my mind . I now know they are coming back on the 26th , tuesday. Yes, THIS tuesday. It seems very rushed to me. It is Sunday and I am still no where near ready for this. Both times shes moved here, and moved away, I've messed up. I've lost friends, I've not spent enough time with her, I've spent too much time with her, I've avoided her. I just do not know WHAT to do.. I am confused, scared, depressed, excited, and anxious. I cannot wait to see my best friend, I am pumped, I will probably cry when her limo [ if that is what she brings again ] rolls down the street. I will probably jump up and down and hug her as tight as I can. I will probably tell her I missed her a lot and I am glad she is back. This in its self, is all truth, and something I would not make up. The hard part is what I am not going to tell her. I'm scared shes back, I'm terrified. I am not ready to comprimise. I am not going to stop going to church - like I did once upon a time. Life just became too complex. I am not going to lose Jen, and Rachel - I just can't. It becomes hard since Jen and Emma are not anywhere near friends. I am filled with nerves, when thinking about my birthday party. I am turning 16, in just over two weeks - sixteen. I am not having a huge party like many people my age would, as I do not have many friends. I am inviting eight people to my party. My lover boy (:, Jenn, Emma, Emily . C, Kayla, Emily V, Rachel , Kimberley, and Stephanie. LOL I guess that is nine. If any of you knew this mix match of people , you would shutter when reading it. Stephanie, and Emily Culter, and Kayla hate each other. Emily Vincent and Stephanie aren't friends, Emma and Jen can't stand each other. Rachel and Emily V. are sisters and havea huge tendancy to fight. Wow, that spells drama to me. I guess me Kim and Nick will have a good time while everyone else fights LOL. I went a LITTLE off topic, I tend to do that, but it lead to one another. Me and Emmas friendship did not go well when she was gone. I had found out a secret she did not tell me and I was hurt on MANY levels. Not only was my best friend keeping something pretty important from me, it involved dating my ex boyfriend [whom she knew I was madly in love with] and not telling me. That broke me in pieces, and I was so hurt to find out she did not tell me. I did not know I was hurting her by not hanging out. That was not my intention , although I did back away hugely when I found out she was moving. I would not hang out at all, because I was HOPING it would make it easier. Last time she moved , the first time, I spent every waking moment with her and I have never EVER cried as hard as I did that day, week, month, year - so I figured that would help. I was wrong - I've tried it all, I'm terrified she'll move again, and what will that leave me.
Even more hurt, confused, and anxious than I am now.
Please, give me suggestions.

Mixed Emotions.

Oh my goodness, I can not describe to you how utterly confused I am right at this time and moment. There are no words for my devine confused self. I am confused on many situations for many different reasons, lets start with Glo.

Ah, okay. Glo and I met on the computer like three years ago. She was one of the first "myspacers" I met and kept in touch with. She was wonderful to me, I called her "myspace mommy" , and I loved her to pieces. We would talk on the phone, and she sent me a grad present, card and picture. I really cared about her and respected her. She met Jess ---- she'd had her on her list before but once she met her it was like bye bye Caitlin. Sure they are the same age so it helps, but Glo was a huge role model to me. I introuced Jessica to her three best friends [ well ... once upon a time best friends ] Glo, Suzi, And Julie. Julie was an accidently indrocution and it wasn't really me that did it, but she met her on the flight home from my house - so she often thanks me. I am so glad Jessica has Glo and Suzi, but I often can't help to hurt because without me she would of not known them, and maybe those two women would still take the time to talk to me. But, back to Glo. When she met Jessica, EVERYTHING changed, she'd talk to, and about Jessica 24/7 and I got sick of it [ as I'm sure all of you do :P] so I pushed away from her and just gave up. Then, she lost her son - I could not imagine how hard that would of been, and I knew she was going to be different,but was unprepaired in HOW different. She did a 180. She no longer EVER checked how I was. Our webcam "dates" were gone. She was never online and if she was she ignored EVERYTHING. Jessica went to see her in that December, two months after Danny died, and my jealousy flared to a whole new level. Wait - how does that work. I knew Glo first, I knew Jess first yet they were meeting first? I was terribly upset at how that could happen. They went had a good time, and I felt a bit better. Glo and me got in this massive fight, I don't remember how, or why , but oh my goodness, WW4. Jessica who was closer to Glo said she'd NEVER seen a glo like that before, and was STUNNED at the way a grown woman was treating me. After MONTHS and MONTHS we'd started talking again, just this year actually. What hurts the most is I never once got an apology, yet I apologized. I know saying "sorry" is because you're sorry not because you expect one back, but I was hurt to a degree I cannot explain and I thought I deserved one - guess I was wrong!!!!! Everything became "okay" we started talking once more, and we were good. She still told me she'd come to my graduation as she did for many many days prior. Everything was fine, until I heard they were going to spain. I BURST out crying, I would of died to go to Spain, let alone, with Jess, oh man. I had gotten over my jealous ways, but I was STILL human and that did hit me really hard. I put it off, and didn't think about it. Until the day came, I got sad, but knew they deserved a good time so I let them. Oh man, oh man. Glo had left Monica [her daughter] a comment, saying " I miss you, wish you could of come. Jessica is being a baby because I wont do her hair and make up, omg who does that" or something along the lines. So I asked Jessica what that comment was referring to, and no later than 30 seconds got a "goodbye" email from Glo and Monica, woah woah woah. Now I am to blame because I TOLD Jessica, but the people who said it are off okay. Shouldn't I be mad at them? They said it, NOT me. So thats the latest. Glo and Jessica were done after that trip, Jessica could not have a friendship with her, after all the drama that went on in Spain [ there was more than that ] Just the other day, Glo decided to make her status " I need a vacation, a REAL one" Woah Glo , take it back a step. Two weeks ago you were telling me Jessica was giving you a chance of a lifetime and something you could of never done alone. She offered you a 6,000 dollar trip for 400 dollars, and that isn't good enough for you? You were the one that ruined it, soooo back it up. Last night Glo starts talking to Jessica, and talking casaully as if NOTHING happened, no sorry's , no "i was wrongs" NOTHING. Just I miss you and Love you. This has happened before, and I am scared Jessica will not only "forgive her" [because I know thats whats right] but go back to her, and be hurt once again. I feel like its on repeat.

Haha
I'm sure you're sick of me now. But I haven't even gotten to the next and final issue as no one will want to read all this.

GUESS WHO IS MOVING BACK. You will NEVER GUESS. No other than Emma Louise Hazell. After merely moving less than TWO months ago [June 23rd] she will already be back sometime next week..Hm, that was not the plan, I wish I'd known that when I bawled at my goodbyes. I do not know what to say anymore, its offical. Caitlins SPEECHLESS. How do you handle this? I met an amazing friend in grade eight, i love her to death, but if I had known this all would have happened, i'd never would of befriended her. Listen to this. She moved here August of grade eight. Stayed all of grade eight and all of summer [ although she was in summer school ]. Moved September 23rd of Grade Nine. She moved back August 20th during the summer before grade ten. She moved June 23rd at the end of grade 10, and is supposed to be coming back at the end of AUGUST. Can you BELIEVE it. I just can't handle this, I need stability and I am not getting it in the least.

Seriously.
what the HELL do i do.
I need your help amy and JENN!

(:

pictures and videos,
from my aunts house and my cartiledge piercing.

you can't possibly understand how many times I've heard this song , and OMG ew, at my voice.

a random picture, you can kinda see my ear. it got real boring waiting for the kids .
crazy cousins. love you kids.
can you guess what we had for a snack LOL. I love Robyns cute face, her mismatched outfit (: Me and my baby girl (:. It was sunny, and I look bald, ew. Haha, EW. My side of the head looks gross, but earrr! Its really red still , or was then since its soo new (:

Update.

I feel as if I am not on here enough, nor updating, as I was at one point. Between camp, summer, friends, and babysitting, I am extremely busy and do not have the time I once had, so whenever I do get a moment I prefer to do something else on the computer. I finally have gotten to the point that if I do not update, I am gonig to explode. I am going C-R-A-Z-Y I tell you. Already, I have just sat down and my little cousin is over here bugging me to come on, whats new. LOL. So anyways. Throughout the week, I did not do very much, at all. I just sort of hugn around at home and relaxed, it was very nice. But, friday I went and got my cartiledge pierced, which I do have pictures of, but am too lazy to load (:. I went with a friend, it hurt, and is very annoying, because its all gross and pussy, aren't you glad I told you that. I went to "midnight madness" which is basically downtown Bowmanville stores with many sales. I got up early Saturday to leave for my aunts and since then I have been going CRAAAAAZYYY. LOL No jokeee :. I have been babysitting pretty much 24/7, and have been watching them the whole time. Which I do not mind too much, but -- uhh, a five year old and two seven year olds gets kind of crazy (:. I have not been donig much here, but I better go, I have a little girl who wants the computer, and a little boy who is blowing a whistle :s. so yeah. Better go, the house could be on fire for all I know. I'm done for now. BYE