"Why me"..

I'm about to throw myself a pity party, if you're not interested, back away before you get sucked in.

I don't know whats wrong with me. Either, I'm REALLY REALLY good, or REALLY REALLY shitty.

I don't know why I can't be "okay". Why can't I smile two days in a row - is there a RULE?

Can I not be unconditionally happy?

Can I not have a good, loving family? Why am I stuck with a grandfather who doesn't care about his own granddaughter. Or Francis, who has met me once - why aren't I loved enough for them? Why aren't I good enough for them.

Why was London so amazing, and I get back to Bowmanville and its worse than it EVER is.. Why was I SSOOO happy, only to be crushed into soo many tiny pieces.

Do I not deserve that ONE ounce of happiness. To just smile, without caring.

Its R.A.K week. I went above and beyond, I got two teachers, one guidance councelor and the princable, a little [random act of kindness gift] could I not just ask for the simple respect from my grandfather this one day?

I don't know wht I did, or how I got this life. But Please - someone help me deal with it . I can't do it alone...