A perfect day.

Today was a very nice day. Me and my Mom fought for about two hours this morning, but by 10 , everything was resolved and everyone was happy! Me and Mommy went shopping with Rachel. I got a few shirts, and some flip flops. I still have fifty dollars left, so I'm going to open up a bank account, I'll need one when I get my money from camp!!! I'm so excited for camp, I cannot even express it to you. I can't believe I am going to spend a month away from home! I mean I come home on weekends, to do laundry, and stay a little less than 24 hours in my own home. That is going to be hard on me, but the money is good, and the job is good, and the experience is good. I need it. I always seem to get off topic! .

I went over to a family friends house today, my dad was going to try to help them fix the computer, and I always enjoy joining them, so I went too. Like always, I had an amazing time, with many laughs. My vocabulary has sure been added on to, aswell. The things you learn at the Hysons house are unbelievable.
I'm going to bed, I'm exhausted.

Working on moi!

Today I did something soo unlike me, and something I'd never usualy do! I pierced my nose. Well, I didn't but I got it done. I love it, I didn't like it at first, but I'm growing to love it. It was an interesting piercing They clamped my nose, stuck a needle all the way through [it was touching my lip!] and then put the stud thing on and pulled it through with a needle! I actually didn't cry! Although my right eye did water, makes sense though, poking a hole through my nose! :]

Ps. I'm NOT naked. It looks sort of like it LOL

Kids will be kds.

I remember being in grade six, and being made fun of, and being told by teachers, "kids will be kids". They used that as an excuse, making it okay it make fun of people simply because "kids will be kids". I carried that on for a long time. I remember crying myself to sleep many many nights, and jsut thinking, how is it okay that you can say that, because theyre kids theyre excused from punishment, its okay to call me fat and ugly? What if a kid mruderded someone, does the saying kids will be kids work then? I don't think so. Today I had a really good day. I brought my math mark up again and am finally in the 60's, finally 11 percent over the passing mark. I'm going to chuck e cheese tonight, and I just had a good day. Spanish is usually my favourite class, so i thought it was the icing on the cake. Until, the three most immature boys ever ruined it. They were talking about me, which is fine. But if you're going to talk about me, don't try to hide it, and stare at me ? Are you that stupid. ANywyas, saying I was 436 pounds, ha, nice. I acted like I didn't hear it, and more so like it didn't hurt, they won't understand the depth of that pain being a perfect height, perfect weight, and having a perfect face.. they don't get how much it hurts. Then they accidently called rachael, a friend in the class, caitlin, and shes like "i'm not caitlin" and im like "holy, dont sound too offended" kidding, 100 percent. And the boys were like "oh burnnnn" and one of them said "fight naked after school" everything they say is rude and crude, and hes like "oh, i meant Rachael, I wouldnt want to see you naked". Its just, I'm wondering, when are kids going to grow out of the stage of making fun of people for their own pleasure. Its people like them that push me closer and closer to the edge.

"Far away Friends"

When thinking about some of the reasons I feel the way I do, as I stated in the previous blogs, I realized a reason this could all be happening. A lot of my friends, one way or another have become "far away friends". I have Jessica, whom was really always a far away friend, but it makes it difficult, when one of the closest people to you, live in another country, take my word for it. Then there is Allie, who her and I have really lost touch over the months, but she moved to Newfoundland, after our friendship just had begun. We were really close, at one point, and when our only contact was on, and through the internet, we sort of lost touch. Emma, is moving back to England, so I will once again lose her. Then theres Marines, who lives in Guatamala!!! And Jen , whom moved too.

Jeez, I have a lot of "far away friends"

reoccuring feelings.

Here I am, thinking I outgrew these feelings, got over them, moved on, but then that self doubt, and self worth, comes back into the picture. This time involving friends, a struggle I thought I had delt with. Waking up every morning, wondering "do they like me?", "am I just being used?", "what do I have to offer in their friendships?", "why do they put up with me". I thought I got over it, realizing they would not stick around if they truly did not love me.
So why, am I here once again, pondering, wondering, am I truly worth? Why can't I get over myself? I feel selfish when I am constantly talking about, and thinking about myself in these blogs. I know I'm not the only one in this world, and the world doesn't revolve around me, but thoughts are constantly flowing through my head, wondering why I just can't be good enough for once.

Whatever. I don't know what to say.

Me.

Caitlin Alexandra Marr, is the name. I was born on September 10th 1992, to amazingly loving parents, and a nice home in a small town, in Canada. My life hasn't been perfect, but whos has? I recently found out I am considered "depressed" something I knew long before the doctors told me, though. I've been through the medicine, the talking, and everything of the sort, but nothing is going to change those feelings I have inside everyday, its something I'm learning to deal with and live with. I have the most supporting family, you'd never guess by some of the things I say though. I truly love my family to death. I would do anything for my daddy, he is my hero, my best friend, and he means everything to me. Nothing he could ever do or say, can change the way I feel about him. My Mom is supportive of me, with everything I do. She is there for every step i take, and has been through it all with me, lately. I truly love my Mommy to death, even though we seem to fight alot. I have the worlds most annoying brother, but I wouldn't trade him for the world. No one can be mean to him but myself, or you will have to deal with me. Without Quinn, life would be boring.

My friends and I have been through a lot , i've lost many, gained many, and kept many. It has been a battle for me through the years, because I get scared that they won't like me for who I am, and decide its not worth it, neither is the friendship. I have a few close friends, like Rachel, Emma and Jen, that I love a lot, and would do anything for.

I'm pretty much your average teen at the end of the day though. I cry at the drop of the hat, and laugh until I can't breathe. I fight way too much, and deny any compliement, you could possibly give me, I love with all my heart, and expect nothing less of you.

Caitlin Alexandra Marr; a work in progress.

The paiiiin.

Days like these, I just wish I could be a boy! Its funny how little boys understand about the pain we endure every 28 days. I suppose everyone isn't as unlucky as me, and doesn't have experiences like these, but when it gets to the point that I am throwing up, I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. It was so bad today I left school. Just for FIVE days a month, I wish I could be a boy. I wish they could have the chance to endure this awful experience. There is not enough medicine in the world to take these cramps away, trust me I've tried.

Ugh, I'm going to go die now.

Happy :)

I got my ISU [individual studies unit] back and I got a 96 percent. I'm so happy and proud of it, I did a lottttt of work on it, and I got a mark I could of never imagined gettting :D . Its worth 15 percent of my mark toooo! :D

Anyways
for now this is alllll i'm writing.
I am at school and its tooo risky.
My day has beeen made:D

Acceptance.

Accepting me, for me, has been a long and hard battle for me. One I have yet to conquer, yet to beat. I still have those same negative feelings towards myself. I always wonder, why can't I just love myself for the person I am? Tonight while thinking about this situation, I came up with the answer closest to what I see as the truth.

My whole life, my family has tried to accept me, and try to love me, for me. For all my flaws and imperfections, that continued appearing rapidly after the age 10. I don't think my family ever has truly accepted me, not all of me. Not the many imperfections, or the attitude that springs out of my mouth involuntarily, not the lack of love I tend to show.

I know my dad never grew up in a "lovey-dovey" home, so for him its "hard" to express love. I know it is hard for me, when I say "goodnight I love you" and he responds with just "goodnight". If theres one thing I want my dad to know before the day that either of us leave this earth, he was my ultimate role model, and i love him so much.

When I am not often reminded that my family loves me, or is proud of me, or even accepts me , and all of me, then it makes me feel worthless. If my own family isn't going to love me, who will? Those questions run through my head, the feelings, and I go back to my usual way of thinking, and total lack of respect to myself. Oh, gotta love being a teenager.

Ten things Tuesday

I got this great idea from Amy, whom got it from someone elses blog. I thought it was a great thing to do and express each week, what I am grateful for.

1. I am grateful that I was woken up on time, my hair didn't look too bad, and my make up was on all before school.

2. I am grateful that my Mom picked me up on time, from school for my doctors appointment, which doesn't usually happy.

3. I am grateful I start new medicine tomorrow that will eliminate the cramps that made me throw up.

4. That my math mark went up, and I am one percent from a sixty!!!!!! Which was really unimaginable only months ago.

5. That Mr. Kreisz told me I was right about a math situation that was stressing me out, and apologized in front of the whole class, since he embarrassed me infront of the whole class.

6. That it was nice enough to wear my track pant, capris and a tshirt and be warm enough!

7. That I am getting subway for dinner, since I haven't had it in so long :)

8. That I have a roof over my head.

9. That I have a family that sometimes cares ;)

10. And that the sun was shinning when I woke up.

Okay this one was bad, but I had a very uneventful day. I'm sure it will be better next Tuesday. Thanks for the great idea though, Amy!

Struggling.

Lately, every single day I have endured has been a struggle. One way or another, I am struggling to make it through. I think the main reason is because I have not been taking my anti-depressants. This is not a concious thing that I am doing, I just often forget. Currently, I have been left wondering if theres more to life.
Will it get any better? Will I have yet to meet a friend that doesn't move? Will I find self acceptance and self-worth?

This is how I see it, if I hate myself so much, and see myself as an unworthy person to be loved, why am I still here? If that hasn't changed for the past years, why do I continue to live, knowing I will hate every moment of it. I continue to look in the mirror, and shutter in sheer disgust. The pimples, the bags under the eyes, the big nose, the fat face, the messed up eye brows, the permanent ugliness, that haunts me everyday. Of course I wear make up to try to improve this awful apperance, but the pimples get worse, the face gets bigger, the nose stays the same, the eye brows get worse, and the hatred becomes an everyday thing.

No matter what I do, I cannot make myself happy. Even when constantly taking the anti-depressants , I am forever wondering, will it get better? Will I one day wake up, smiling. Will I know that my friends like me, and are not just using me, like I know one is. Will I be "happy".

I guess I'll never know.....

My long, long weekend.

I was blessed to have a "long weekend" this weekend because of "Victoria Day". Thank-you Queen Victoria! My long weekend was one of the longest, busiest, weekends of my life! Friday afternoon my Dad picked me up from school, and took me and Emma straight up to Omemee, also known as "hell", probably the most boring place on earth, but I deal with it. We went up to my grandparents because they had a town yardsale [this town has 1100 people!] and we were asked to help for community hours. Friday we arrived, and helped move dirt, with my Uncle Doug and Grandpa. Boy, wasn't that the highlight of my weekend!. We then had a nice ham dinner, and went to the one little store, watched a movie, and went to bed, knowing how early 5:30 am came.

"Cock-a-doodle-doooo" was what we were awoken up to at hours my eyes should not have to see, my Grandpa, being the interesting man he is, woke us up like that. We did our hair and make-up and went out to set up. My arms were hurting from the wheel barrow, and moving it so much, so wen we had to lift heavy tables and boxes, it was not doing anything nice to my arms. How much worse could one early morning get? Next thing we know its pouring rain, after setting this all up, we were worried we would have to put it away, the rain cleared up, but was on and off all day, none the less , the yardsale was a success.

I then had to "rush" home, a nice little 45 minute drive, because I had babysitting! Don't get me wrong, i love the kids I babysit, but after being up since 5:30 am, and working ALL day, its the last thing I really want to do. Surprise, surprise, they didn't decide to go to bed until 10:45, meanwhile I was struggling to stay up myself. 12:10 arrived, and so did Julie and Clayton. I have never been so happy to see two people in my entire life. I don't know how I stayed awake.

8:30 Sunday morning, a morning I would of loved to sleep in, but a morning I knew I shouldgo to church. Beep beep beep, damnit I just wanted to sleep, but I got up and got ready for church, it was fun, and I enjoyed Sunday School, I always do when my teacher isn't there! haha, shes not bad but damnit, I'm sick of "Jesus link"! Me and Rachel hung out after church, we were supposed to go get me some flip flops, but my mom was freaking out over nothing so we left it. Me and Emily decided to do Rachels hair and make-up, words cannot justify her appearance so I will post some pictures!~ It was then evening service, we didn't really pay attention much, just sat there and chatted.

We went back to Rachels because I was sleeping over, and Kimberley came over. We had angel food cake and hot dogs! Itwas good, ewh, they weren't together! Lol. We walked to Macs, and saw Quinn [my brother] so we stopped to talk. When we got there, I realized I forgot my money, thats SO Caitlin. So we walked ALL theway back and got it, it was after 11 by the time we got home

Then the drama began.....not fun drama. Rachel wouldn't let her sister sleep downstairs with us, so she FREAKED out, when upstairs and was yelling, so her dad yelled at Rachel [even though when me and emily were friends rachel could NEVER sleepdown there with us, they favour emily, and she knows it.] he brought the fight downstairrs, where me and Kimberley were, and said some awful things, Rachel was bawling, we felt bad. Finlly, she became in a better mood, and he proceeded to come down and yell at her MORE. For another hour, it was awkward and took everything I had to not say anything. I am terrible at keeping to myself.

Today was relax day, when we woke up we hung out for a bit and I just came home and had a nap, what a busy weekend.

Oh, I look terrible in these picturessss by the way! Take a wild guess which one rachel is!

Already eight months.

Its been eight months since the first time me and Jess met in real life. I've changed so much then, my hope was always to meet Jess. But I never did see that as an option because she lived in New Hampshire [at the time] and was 33 and I didn't think my parents would really like that. But , after many days of talking, [13 months] it finally happened. Not to say it wasn't planned before that day. It was, thats forsure. I remember she was supposed to come in Feburary. The 16th, actually. And, three days before the date, she had to cancel because she had mono, that crushed me, but I didn't want her to feel worse than she already did. And then, at the end of May, she was supposed to come and she got to the border [with her kids] and had to turn around because the kids fathers werent there, and the notes were not good enough. I remember being crushed. She drove for eight hours, and just hours before she was supposed to arrive, she had to cancel, it broke me.

But , I know what was meant to be would always happen, and finally, September 14th, Jessica came. I didn't think it would EVER happen, but it did, and it was amazing. We had our birthday dinner, we went to the mall, and natalies handbags, I was a dangerous person though. I was so excited, and tried so hard not to be a clutz, that resulted in dropping my plate at breakfast, dropping my drink directly down at dinner, and splashing emma in the face, and some other thing at our birthday dinner, it was quite the weekend.

She came back, exactly two months ago today , too. This time bringing her best friend and daughter. I love Suzi and Caitlin so much, and that weekend, although not really what I expected was amazing, and I would not trade it for anything. That proved to me, more than anything that Jessica really does care, when I spend an hour bawling, and she gets to "the bottom of it" and is there and caring the whole time, I know that she loves me and that proved it more than anything. I know I can count on her when I need her, and I know she is a reliable friend and one I forever want to keep. I miss her, and Cait, and Suzi dearly, but I love them, and know that when its meant to be, it will happen again.

I miss you Jessica, and I love you.

Here are some pictures from our first visit.

Staying home sick.

Today I stayed home sick from school. Its one of those things, its nice to have a break, but I am already stressing out about tomorrow, missing math is not something I should be doing right now, not since I only have a 58 percent. That being said, its a mark I have been earning and am actually somewhat proud of considering how far I've come in the past months. I will not forget, looking at our first mark update, and me having an 18 percent, I just wanted to cry. No, not because I'm a "nerd" and school is my life, but because all my life I've had decent marks, high marks, never eighteen percents. Since then , its been an ongoing struggle, and if I come out of that academic math class with a 51, you can call me proud! Pathetic, but proud. I am just waiting to get to a sixty. Oh well I'm one step closer.

This weekend I'm going to my grandparents Friday right after school until Saturday at like four. They live in a small town of about 1000[my school has more people than that] and my Nanny is part of the lioness club and they are having a yardsale, so she asked me to help for hours. So me and Emma are going over there. What a long day it is going to be for me. Afterwards, I am babysitting until like one am, so considering I am getting up at 6 am, I am going to be exhausted. I will post pictures of me and Emma and my grandparents when I get back. Anyways, no one really reads this, so I'm going to end it.
Caitlin.

Today.

Today, another boring day in the life of Caitlin. I didn't do much at ALL. I had school, of course, and was supposed to go watch the church baseball team, but the Vincents are no longer going, so neither am I! I didn't have any homework, which is good news , everyday. I think I might go to Quinns lacrosse practise tonight. Depends on if dad is still grumpy, its like walking on egg shells with him today. Anyways. I really didn't have anything to write about,
Caitlin.

My Mom.

Dear Mom,

Happy 15th mothers day, fifteen years of being the most amazing mom I could ever ask for, I don't know how you do it. Mom, you won't ever understand what you really mean to me. Simply because words don't do it justice. You're so important to me Mom, and I hate that I don't show you enough or tell you enough. Just knowing you would doing anything for me, causes a feeling I've never felt before. Knowing that I am loved unconditionally, mistakes an all, is amazing Mommy. I am sorry for the harsh things I say, the words I don't mean, the fights I shouldn't cause. I am sorry that I do not listen or respect you enough. I am working on it. But, this mothers day I just want you to know, I love you more than anyone in this world Mommy. I could not or would not ask for my life to be any different, because I cherish the fact I still have my Mommy, to laugh with, to fight with, to cry with, I still get that privillage. I've learnt one thing already, and that is to be lucky enough with what you have, and Mommy I am more than lucky, because you are a-m-a-z-i-n-g. And I mean that with EVER fiber of my being.

I love you so much, Mommy.

Your baby girl, forever and ever!

My Life.

So much has happened since I last posted. I can't believe I've left it this long. Jessica and Cait and Suzi came. That was just amazing. I miss them so much. I had such a good weekend, I can't wait for it to happen again :). I got baptised too ! Again another amazing thing. A not so amazing thing is that I found out Emma is moving, AGAIN. She was supposed to move yesterday but they changed the flights. Actually they haven't booked any yet, so really I have NO idea when she is moving. That worries me . It could be the end of the school year. It could be before, it could be after. And I don't know and hate it. I'm getting my hair done today. I need change. I'm getting straight across bangs and shorter hair. I also found out we're going on a missions trip with the church to Guatamala. It is like 1,500 dollars though. So, I don't know how I'm going to make that happen, a lot of begging I guess. Maybe use some of my camp money from working this summer to pay, because I wouldn't want to miss that chance of a life time. I can work on my spanish, haha. Spanish class does benifit for somethings you know. I'm pretty sure no one reads this anymore since I don't write anymore. As much as I wish I would, or did. I sort of forgot about it. Oh well. I gotta go shower, and then hair appointment, and then probably going my brothers lacrosse game. I'll write more soonnnn.