Lately, every single day I have endured has been a struggle. One way or another, I am struggling to make it through. I think the main reason is because I have not been taking my anti-depressants. This is not a concious thing that I am doing, I just often forget. Currently, I have been left wondering if theres more to life.
Will it get any better? Will I have yet to meet a friend that doesn't move? Will I find self acceptance and self-worth?
This is how I see it, if I hate myself so much, and see myself as an unworthy person to be loved, why am I still here? If that hasn't changed for the past years, why do I continue to live, knowing I will hate every moment of it. I continue to look in the mirror, and shutter in sheer disgust. The pimples, the bags under the eyes, the big nose, the fat face, the messed up eye brows, the permanent ugliness, that haunts me everyday. Of course I wear make up to try to improve this awful apperance, but the pimples get worse, the face gets bigger, the nose stays the same, the eye brows get worse, and the hatred becomes an everyday thing.
No matter what I do, I cannot make myself happy. Even when constantly taking the anti-depressants , I am forever wondering, will it get better? Will I one day wake up, smiling. Will I know that my friends like me, and are not just using me, like I know one is. Will I be "happy".
I guess I'll never know.....
Monday, May 19, 2008
Struggling.
Posted by Caits; at 7:43 PM
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4 comments:
Cait,
I am so sorry that you are going through all of these negative feelings. First of all, though, you must remember to take your medication!!! Regardless of how you think you feel with them, you have to continue to take them. I can see a difference, in your writings, when you are off of them. My wish for you, sweet girl, is that you will, someday soon, wake-up and feel like the beautiful person that you are. Who cares about pimples, noses, eyebrows, etc., they are not what makes you ~~~ you!!! Your faith in the Lord, your loyalty to friends, your love for your family, your self-worth, the way you treat others, the way you express yourself ~~~ those are the things that are important! You will get through this low time, you really will! I know that it seems like the bad days are NEVER going to end, but they will. I will be here for you. I love you, girly!!
Love,
Amy xoxo
Your writing has a depth that is unexpected; unexpected because for one who is going through so much negativity, there is an underlying zest for life. I'm bookmarking your blog now. I love the way you write.
Thank-you, the two of yu.
Sorry Amy for not writing back a good response, I was in school and my teacher was lurking, you wrote all this, you deserve a decent response.
My medicine has always been a battle, its the monster, and I'm the victim, although I'd rather not be on it, I do take it because I know I need to and it helps. I try nto to forget but I am soo busy in the mornings I run out of time.
One day I hope I can wake up and feel beautiful too, its something I've never experienced and hope I can. Thank-you for always being here for me Amy. I truly love you and you are a huge blessing to me.
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