Here it is,

This is going to be brutally honest, and not fun to read or hear, but its better that I'm writing it, than doing the alternative thoughts that are going through my mind.

You always hear the stories, when new siblings are born, the older one gets extremely jealous. Not me, I wasn't a jealous kid - I loved my little brother. The jealousy didn't kick in until he was 10 & I was 14, then it kicked in, and it kicked hard.

My brother, always has, and always will get better treatment from my parents. I will never understand it, I don't really get what I did wrong - but apparently something. My brother has always had it easier, I've had to 'set the way' and set the paths. I've been the experiment child, the tester - if it worked on me, then its easier for Quinn. I was only honestly allowed going to the Oshawa Center without a parent, this year - Me being 16. That's bullshit, by true definition.

It makes me cry just thinking about it - how bad you can be to not be good enough for your own parents. I try hard, but i'll never live up to what they expect me to be, they've never given me an outline, they've never helped me get to it.

In 340 days [provided i'm still on this earth] i'll be at college, it'll be my first day. At this point, I don't even care that my Mom wants me to stay close - I want to be as far as possible. I've always wanted to go to St. Lawrence in Kingston, and right now its looking pretty good. I hope , that if I do end up going there, she realizes I'm not as horrible as she imagines, maybe she'll miss me .. maybe she'll fucking see - i'm not all that terrible.

All I want is loving parents, sometimes, I just need a hug from them - but that is also too much to ask. I haven't gotten a hug from my daddy in years, and I just want to be loved. At the end of the day, thats my utmost wish .. honestly, doesn't sound like too much to me.

Misunderstood.

When thinking of a word to describe me, "misunderstood" is the first one that comes to mind. I am misunderstood by almost everyone I know, on many different levels.

I am misunderstood by my family. They will never understand me, I've always been different, I always will. Even to the smallest details that they are all left handed, and I'm right handed. They will never accept my religion, which is always a difficult aspect to me, because my religion is everything to me. They don't understand my desicions, but truthfully, I'm making them for God - not for me.

I am misunderstood by Mrs. Story . I think she takes me as her 'slave' , she doesn't understand my reasoning for SLiC, although I've never told her. I don't do it because I have nothing better to do, but thats another days explanation.

I am misunderstood by my Bampa. I'm not sure what he takes me for, I hear stories about Grandparents, and even think of my own Nanny and Grandpa, and I have so much to compare it to. But thats not who my Bampa is, he isn't that loving grandfather - truthfully he doesn't give two shits about me, and doesn't take the time to learn.

I am misunderstood by my church. I love my church family to pieces, I do. But still, i'll never quite fit in, I don't think they have expectations for me persay - but I'll never quite complete that church family no matter how I try.

No matter what I do, I am misunderstood by every aspect of people - people just don't get me - I don't think it's that friggen complicated.
Just one of those nights..

Encouraged,

I went to my first prayer meeting this evening at the church I have been attending for six years. It was a group of eight of us, ranging from young [15] & old [80's] - but our age was the least of the matters.

Courtice Baptist is a huge part of my life and has been a huge part of my life, my growing up, my teen years, my high school education, my EVERYTHING. From youth group, to Sunday school, to kids club and junior church, nursery, baby showers & weddings, wakes and mourning, I've been through it all in that church, & tonight again I felt like a family.

Pastor Jon, Marjorie, Rachel, Carron, Les, Ed, Vanda & I attended prayer meeting tonight, most of them regularly do, but me and Rachel completely new to the experience. One of the most amazing feelings for me, is be prayed for. To me, that equals being loved, and being cared for, being important and meaningful. To hear your name being lifted up to the one and only amazing God, and to know He is listening to the every spoken word never seizes to amaze me.

Tonight one of the many and less important things being prayed for was the Christian group that Rach, Jenna, and I are currently trying to start at our school. It has been something that has been weighing on my heart since I first walked the halls of Bowmanville High, but there was no way I would EVER suggest it. With my leadership class came enough confidence that I can actually consider it, and decide to want to go through with it.

Tomorrow the three of us are going to talk to a teacher about supervising, as that is a requirement and then it is off to the principal. I won't lie, I am scared shitless to do this, to try and start something this big, valid, and important in our school. I know I am not doing it alone, I have my two girlies, a church praying for us, an impact group praying for us, a youth leader praying for us, and most importantly God watching over us, and smiling. I am going to try, for Him, for us, for all of those who are not lucky enough to have a church family, or a youth leader.

Teens Together For Christ;

We can and will do this. We have God on our side, and His vote is rated a lot higher than Ms.Grdovics!

A question often asked,

I've barely been seventeen for two days; most girls my age are friends with people whom are between the ages of 17-21, generally.

Since I was 12 and met Patty, I changed those rules and standards for myself. I have been asked countless amounts of times why I am friends with older people. People find it strange, they find it unique, they find it different, and differences are rarely accepted.

I've never fully, or truthfully known the answer to the question. I mean, it's an obvious fact, I'm friends with Patty, Cathy, Carron, Jessica, Glo, and Suzi - the list certainly goes on. Everyone on that list is over fourty. Why do I find comfort in older friendships? Where does that stem from - just why?

Madyson asked me that question on the phone this afternoon when I was telling her stories of Cathy and Carron last night, & finally I had the answer. I find comfort, friendship, relationships, love, and trust in these relationships because they are mature, they are older, they've lived through similar situations, they understand, they don't strive on drama. I don't know a better love than the one that they provide, considering they are all mothers they automatically have the motherly love, the compassion, the caring, and the unconditional forgiveness.

So it may not be normal, typical, or looked well upon, but I truly find the best friendships in those who have experienced life and realize that it is not long enough to waste on petty things.

I guess I'll never change.

I desperately ache to change, I do, in every way possibly imaginable I want to be a different person, a better person.

The more I say it, the more I long to be different and to change, but I still don't know how to do it.
I am a christian teen, that simple fact sets me apart from most other teenagers, but that isn't exactly the CHANGE or difference I am going for.

I am a rollercoaster, my emotions are constantly up and down, and it's huge drastics, I honestly swear I am bi-polar but the doctor doesn't agree, and he's the one with the P.Hd so I guess he knows what hes talking about.

When I am up, I am UP. I am high on life, I am happy , laughing, smiling and cheerful. I am hyper, loving, silly, crazy .. I am the Caitlin that people ENJOY spending time with, I am the Caitlin I wish I knew HOW to be constantly.

When I am down, I have hit rock bottom. I melt down in huge ways, I cry, I scream, anything and everything can affect my mood. The littlest of things can send me to the end of the rope. It's scary for me - but I know it's scary for those whom have witnessed it or who have to try to calm me down. Ask Carron, Madyson or Rach - they can vouch haha.

My problem is learning how to have a nice middle ground. No one is happy all the time, it is not possible nor human nature. But having a nice mixture of happiness & sadness is all I need to get by. Hopefully, in time..

Summer is o v e r

My summer is officially pretty much over. Tomorrow is my last sleeping in day and I have to get up at 1030 :(.
Summer Re-cap.

Although, this summer was nothing special - I'd have to say it's been my best. I've spent much time with friends, God, & I've actually made money.

I have amazing memories such as camping, wonderland, Ontario place, Madyson's visits, surprises, shopping spree's with Chels, getting my g1, watching the sunrise & set, & just having good times.

As summer of 2009 comes to an end, I am filled with sadness and overwhelmed with grieve, this COULD possibly mark my last summer of freedom, as next summer will potentially be college preparation. I'm nervous, I'm scared, I'm worried, I'm growing up & I just want to pause.

I better head to bed, I need to get used to going to bed early .. uuuugh. Tomorrow, I'm going to the beach, having a picnic and then work [ugh] but it's time and a half atleast (:

- Cait.

Jealousy, jealousy, jealousy..

Did I not just discuss this? Did I not talk about it only days ago, if that? Why is it arising again, why can the subject not be put to rest? Why am I jealous? Why can't I get over myself?

Clearly, jealousy is a big issue. It is silly, and childish. I saw that Carron wrote on Alanna and Rachel's wall's in the past few days, but not mine - She never writes on mine. Why am I jealous over that, why does it REALLY matter? The truth is, it doesn't, jealousy isn't my issue at all. Atleast, it is most certainly not my most important one.

The truth is I am searching for acceptance, in so many ways, on so many levels, so deeply. I want to hear I am loved, needed, wanted, appreciated. I love Carron very much, without a doubt - I want to know she loves me back. I want to know she values me, I want to know she needs me like I need her. I have placed too trust, and love in her - I have placed everything in her, I just want to know she cares. I have done a few crazy things, and gone to levels some could never imagine doing, to know, she cares, just an ounce. I went through all my wall posts I had wrote to her, all status comments, and deleted all but three in a rage! Where did that rage come from, why was I so angry? It was my jealousy, "if she doesn't care or write back - why am I wasting my time" . I become a horrible, self centered person when my jealousy strikes, & it is most certainly not someone I am proud of.

I truly love helping Story, but I am not doing FULLY just out of the goodness of my heart. I am not doing it JUST to help her. I am doing it, because I want her to feel as if she NEEDS me, she CAN'T do it without me. I want her to appreciate me, and appreciate all that I do for her - I want her to love me. It hurts more than words could begin to describe, how I work hours upon hours for her & I ask for nothing in return. But, when a trip arises, I am NEVER asked to go, I am never who pops into her head first. It makes me feel used and worthless, I devote many hours to what I do with her, I just want her to care about me.

How do I change this? How do I lose my jealousy problems, my self acceptance problems, my self esteem problems. I really really just want to be loved, & I am going to great lengths to feel loved, even for just minutes. Why can't the love just come naturally? It's costing much time, money, and work. I guess its a price I am willing to pay, regardless of the cost.

F o u r t e e n.

September 5th, 1995 - I was five days short of being three and did not have a care in the world. I was an only child, and an angel in my parents eyes - nothing mattered, does it ever when you're three?

I attended a neighbors birthday party that would forever have an impact on my life.

Jennifer Elizabeth Brooks.

Can you believe it? I was two, you were four, we had just met - could you ever have imagined we'd be friends at almost seventeen & eighteen? At age seventeen, I am able to say I have had the same best friend for fourteen years, that is a rare fact in our age and society, as people move on and get new friends like nothing else.

I cannot believe after all we've been through, all the fights, drama, tension, bad times, long nights, tears, anger, betrayal, lies, everything - we're still here, we're still standing, you're still my very best friend.

Jen if its up to me, I promise, I will be by your side on your wedding day, I will be in the waiting room as you deliver your pride and joy, I will hold your hand during the hard times, and hug you tight when you need it.

We have made it too far to give in, too long to give up, and we're too close to end it. No matter what happens, changes, or doesn't happen; You're my B E S T friend, always.

I love you to the ends of this earth.
You're more than my friend,
you're my big sister.

I am angry.

There is no denying, no hiding, or no POINT in lying about this anger that is taking over me. I am angry, I am so angry!

I am angry that my Bampa is an asshole, a jerk & inconsiderate. I don't want you in my life if you don't want to be here. I don't want you to be here half the time, I don't want you to be here when YOU want too and it is beneficial for you. I was hurt, almost devastated when I arrived home today and I saw that card sitting there. Don't you know I love you Bampa, and that absolutely destroyed me? I am trying to put you behind me - trying to forget about you, trying to imagine you don't exist, it makes your rejection a lot easier. Sure I pretend I don't care, I don't love you, I don't need you - BUT I LOVE YOU, how couldn't I? You're my grandfather, you were here for me before I cared Nana Frankie existed. You came on trips with me, you came to watch me graduate, you made an impression even on my friends. I can never explain to you how much it breaks me into pieces when I hear my friends say "awh, he is so nice & funny" .. Yeah you were nice, and he were funny - why did you stop caring? When did you stop caring? How did you stop caring, how could you? I didn't do anything..

Without the second car things are soo difficult, my dad was offered overtime, and obviously would not decline when we are in need of the money. I work til 10:30 tonight, so I am now responsible for finding a way home from work. I can't ask Carron- she drove me to whitby today! I can't ask Cathy, she's done her part. I can't ask anyone - it's not fair to them, it's not their responsibility. So i get to take the cab tonight. I'm terrified. I don't want to want to take the cab;
ugh.

F M L.

Life changes..

& it goes fast, too fast for me. I can't keep up, I can't catch up - I can't comprehend. I don't understand how I can go from being close to someone to sooo far, in such a short period of time. I know it's often for the better, and sometimes I get close to people in a short period of time which is a bonus but it's a huge confusing matter to me.

I saw Nana Frankie the other day, I love visiting her. I love when we're leaving her house and says 'give me a hug' and squeezes me so tightly in her warm embrace. I love leaving there with the biggest smile on my face and the word finally on my mind. I spent years hating her, years blaming her, years thinking she was the cause and solution to all my problems. Meeting her was an interesting reality check, she was neither the cause, OR solution to my problems.

Meeting Nana Frankie even caused new problems, Bampa became a bigger jackass and decided it was him or her- we couldn't have the best of both worlds. Although, he never actually gave me the choice, I know what choice I would have made. I'm glad he didn't put me in that position, and made the choice himself - It's funny how immature family & grown adults can be . But this is supposed to be a good blog, and at the end of the day - I am much better without him and his problem causing, and shit stirring ways. Hopefully no family can see this or I will be getting quite the phone calls - Oh well, I am allowed speaking my mind too, right???

Nana Frankie was also a huge solution. No, she didn't eliminate the drama in my life, take away my depression, fix all my problems, or take away my homework. She didn't make any miracles happen, although she did make this young girl happy.

I am done living in the past, I won't delete the blog I originally wrote about her just so we can see how time has progressed. I am ready for the future, and to have my Nana Frankie by my side - I love you so much.

My 'Jaw'

Last weekend when we went to the Beth Moore conference, we were given an analogy that I have been unable to stop thinking about . When we are not living up to or with our true hearts desires is our 'JAW' getting in the way?

J is for 'Jealousy'

I did not have to hesitate or stop and ask myself for even a minute if jealousy was an issue of mine. Jealousy has been an issue of mine from the very beginning, from as long as I can remember - I have been a jealous person. Varying degrees and situations have been involved, but jealousy was always a part.

From the second Beth mentioned jealousy names popped in my head - Yes I AM jealous. I am jealous of Carron - I am jealous of her relationship with God, I am jealous of her relationship with everyone, I am jealous that shes gorgeous, I am jealous she is unconditionally loved, I am jealous that men like her, even if it's the wrong men. I AM JEALOUS! Beside writing about jealousy I wrote C.M [her initials] because that is what jealousy is to me.

I am jealous I do not feel the unconditional love from my parents that most kids do. I am jealous I have to question it. I am jealous I am not 5'9" & not 130 pounds, I am jealous I am not gorgeous, or even pretty. I am just plain jealous.

A is for Anger

Questioning my anger was a different situation. I wasn't angry, I was smiling, laughing and praising God - I was having fun . But, deep down I was angry, I was hurting, I was furious, I just didn't want to know it.

I am angry because my life isn't turning out the way I want it to be. I am angry because I feel God doesn't want me anymore, I am angry because I want to be different but don't know how to. I am angry because I am not the person I want to be, I am angry because I KNOW I have more potential than I am living up to and I don't know how to damnit!

I am angry because I try and try and I am not good enough for Story. I am angry because all I want is a little brother who loves me and he HATES me in every way possible. I AM ANGRY BECAUSE I WANT ACCEPTANCE SO DESPERATELY..

W is for worry.

I am always always worried. It is a part of me that never seems to fade, or pass. I don't know how to be calm. Mady is constantly telling me to "go with the flow" but I can't, I need to plan, I need to prepare, I need to control.

I am worried I won't know what to do in high school and will just rush into something. I am worried I will be at Dairy Queen for the rest of my life because I honestly don't know what to do, where to go or who to be. I am worried I will never get married, I will never have kids and I will die alone, being the cat lady everyone laughs at. I am worried I will amount to nothing and be a disappointment to my family, friends and most importantly God.

I am worried Carron will become sick of me, and leave me here. I am worried I will lose everyone because I am a needy controlling bitch. I am worried I will never lose the weight I need to, I am worried no one will every look at me with love in their eyes. I AM WORRIED!

But above all, above all my jealousy, my anger, and my worrying - I know at the end of the day, I can give it to a person who's strong enough, brave enough, big enough and loving enough to take it - & as easy at that it's gone. God - please look at my "JAW" and give me the ways and tools to handle it.

- Cait.

I am happy.

I knew that the time would come that I would happily post on here, and here it is.

So I mentioned a few blogs ago about how things had changed with Carron & I; & Nana Frankie and I. Here it goes..


Carron MacLeod,

Carron was only my youth leader and Sunday school teacher when I posted that blog in early October. She was part of my church family - but that was it. Since then a lot has changed, a lot! Carron stepped up when everything failed at church and she became everything to us. Honestly, anyone who has had the privilege to meet Carron, should be eternally grateful - because no matter what happens, she is there. I have a friend, a sister in christ, a second mother, and a lifelong teacher. I love her ! :]

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Nana Frankie,
I met her in June .. the rest is history.. I love her. I am so glad I have her in my life. :]

k.
i cant write anymore :s i used to be decent at it
now i'm a tool.

I'm tired of crying..

I am tired of hurting, stressing, and worrying about much more than a grade 12 should. Money issues are not my problem or concern, but they are my life - it isn't fair. I'm too young to have all this on me.. Mom's worsening depression, and not being able to afford the medicine. Moving ? I don't know .. Can't keep our car. Can't afford my birthday .. nothing, it sucks, and isn't fair. It's a part of life, but too much a part of mine. My eyes hurt, i've spent too many hours crying this morning.

:[

Everything happens for a reason.

Today was and has been a bad day. I woke up asking if I could go visit Nana Frankie as I miss her, and the answer was no as our car had been taken away because we couldn't afford the payments. Ever since my Mom lost her job in June things have been super tough and they just haven't been getting easier, and it makes me so sad and anxious. I am working a lot, or was before - now my hours have been cut tremendously. I am needing these hours to not only support myself but help support my family . I'm stressing about things no 16 [almost 17!] year old should be stressing about. My Mom didn't want me to tell anyone about the car thing so I hope she doesn't read this haha.

Last night me and Rachie went on a long walk, we left just after 10:30 and didn't return to her house til almost one. We talked about our church family and mainly Carron, the whole walk. About how much we love her and how loving she is , no one has quite stepped up like Carron has the past few months. I think it was good for the both of us to realize how important she is, and how truly lost and devasted we'd be without her. We are blessed.
I am soo not in a blogging mood - I am grumpy and have work later, I tried my hardest, but I just can't do it !
I need to blog soon, and do a good one - when i'm happy [haha never]
<3

Savior, he can move the mountains- my god is mighty to save..

I don't know how I feel today, sort of empty, and funny feeling. I think a lot of it is exhaustion, and reading all 105 blogs last night left me filled with sadness and many mixed emotions. First, I miss Amy, where the heck did she go? She was so nice and loving on all my blogs. Second, I miss the ways things used to be .. the way I was soo close to some people, and I can't decide if its for the better or worse than we are no longer as close. It did make me smile at times though, me and Carron are a lot closer than we used to be when I wrote those blogs in October, and I now have Nana Frankie.
I just feel FUNNY. I'll expand sometime next week on all of this, for now - I am taking a computer break.
Bye.
Cait;

I miss blogging.

I used to be addicted, blogged almost everyday - but my life has taken many unexpected turns, and I just kind of died off from blogging. First of all, I got a job. Dairy Queen has taken over my life in so many aspects. Not even just the working, but the people, and the friendships - not that I see that as a bad thing by any means, but my life is just sort of dairy queen now. Now school is starting in a few weeks, senior year. That's fricken scary. I am so anxious, and nervous not knowing what is to come. I failed my grade 11 math after MANY many struggles, and I chose not to go to summer school so now I must figure out an alternetive. Plus, I want to go to bible school -but it's over 4000 dollars and my parents aren't paying any, so I am stressing about that.

In June, I met Nana Frankie. So I have spent a lot of time with her, bonding, and learning - growing, and trying to start a relationship after sixteen years. I would never say it was or is easy, but it is worth it. I am so glad she is in my life, even if it took sixteen years to get to it. I am going to bed, a long day that involved work, church and friends - my life these days.

Hopefully, i'll be back soon :)
-Cait.