This is going to be brutally honest, and not fun to read or hear, but its better that I'm writing it, than doing the alternative thoughts that are going through my mind.
You always hear the stories, when new siblings are born, the older one gets extremely jealous. Not me, I wasn't a jealous kid - I loved my little brother. The jealousy didn't kick in until he was 10 & I was 14, then it kicked in, and it kicked hard.
My brother, always has, and always will get better treatment from my parents. I will never understand it, I don't really get what I did wrong - but apparently something. My brother has always had it easier, I've had to 'set the way' and set the paths. I've been the experiment child, the tester - if it worked on me, then its easier for Quinn. I was only honestly allowed going to the Oshawa Center without a parent, this year - Me being 16. That's bullshit, by true definition.
It makes me cry just thinking about it - how bad you can be to not be good enough for your own parents. I try hard, but i'll never live up to what they expect me to be, they've never given me an outline, they've never helped me get to it.
In 340 days [provided i'm still on this earth] i'll be at college, it'll be my first day. At this point, I don't even care that my Mom wants me to stay close - I want to be as far as possible. I've always wanted to go to St. Lawrence in Kingston, and right now its looking pretty good. I hope , that if I do end up going there, she realizes I'm not as horrible as she imagines, maybe she'll miss me .. maybe she'll fucking see - i'm not all that terrible.
All I want is loving parents, sometimes, I just need a hug from them - but that is also too much to ask. I haven't gotten a hug from my daddy in years, and I just want to be loved. At the end of the day, thats my utmost wish .. honestly, doesn't sound like too much to me.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Here it is,
Posted by Caits; at 1:16 PM
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2 comments:
I bet if everyone you knew threw their problems into a pile for everyone to see, you would gladly take your "problems" back when you saw what some people deal with.
Going away to school may do you a world of good. I think you will quickly realize how good home is.
One of the hardest things in life is knowing when to "let go" of a friendship and simply saying good-bye. May your life grow, but not with cold heartedness. May you learn to look at the whole picture and ponder why things had to happen that way but not dwell on it. May your search for happiness always continue in strides. May you find comfort in knowing life really does go on. May you learn true love and forgiveness. I hope someday, someway you will truly know that someone you may never think about still actually cares and will never forget you. May you be a blessing to others. And most of all, when you lay in bed at night, know that you are loved. Good-bye's are never easy, but it is evident that this one is truly forever. XOXO
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