Jealousy, jealousy, jealousy..

Did I not just discuss this? Did I not talk about it only days ago, if that? Why is it arising again, why can the subject not be put to rest? Why am I jealous? Why can't I get over myself?

Clearly, jealousy is a big issue. It is silly, and childish. I saw that Carron wrote on Alanna and Rachel's wall's in the past few days, but not mine - She never writes on mine. Why am I jealous over that, why does it REALLY matter? The truth is, it doesn't, jealousy isn't my issue at all. Atleast, it is most certainly not my most important one.

The truth is I am searching for acceptance, in so many ways, on so many levels, so deeply. I want to hear I am loved, needed, wanted, appreciated. I love Carron very much, without a doubt - I want to know she loves me back. I want to know she values me, I want to know she needs me like I need her. I have placed too trust, and love in her - I have placed everything in her, I just want to know she cares. I have done a few crazy things, and gone to levels some could never imagine doing, to know, she cares, just an ounce. I went through all my wall posts I had wrote to her, all status comments, and deleted all but three in a rage! Where did that rage come from, why was I so angry? It was my jealousy, "if she doesn't care or write back - why am I wasting my time" . I become a horrible, self centered person when my jealousy strikes, & it is most certainly not someone I am proud of.

I truly love helping Story, but I am not doing FULLY just out of the goodness of my heart. I am not doing it JUST to help her. I am doing it, because I want her to feel as if she NEEDS me, she CAN'T do it without me. I want her to appreciate me, and appreciate all that I do for her - I want her to love me. It hurts more than words could begin to describe, how I work hours upon hours for her & I ask for nothing in return. But, when a trip arises, I am NEVER asked to go, I am never who pops into her head first. It makes me feel used and worthless, I devote many hours to what I do with her, I just want her to care about me.

How do I change this? How do I lose my jealousy problems, my self acceptance problems, my self esteem problems. I really really just want to be loved, & I am going to great lengths to feel loved, even for just minutes. Why can't the love just come naturally? It's costing much time, money, and work. I guess its a price I am willing to pay, regardless of the cost.