My 'Jaw'

Last weekend when we went to the Beth Moore conference, we were given an analogy that I have been unable to stop thinking about . When we are not living up to or with our true hearts desires is our 'JAW' getting in the way?

J is for 'Jealousy'

I did not have to hesitate or stop and ask myself for even a minute if jealousy was an issue of mine. Jealousy has been an issue of mine from the very beginning, from as long as I can remember - I have been a jealous person. Varying degrees and situations have been involved, but jealousy was always a part.

From the second Beth mentioned jealousy names popped in my head - Yes I AM jealous. I am jealous of Carron - I am jealous of her relationship with God, I am jealous of her relationship with everyone, I am jealous that shes gorgeous, I am jealous she is unconditionally loved, I am jealous that men like her, even if it's the wrong men. I AM JEALOUS! Beside writing about jealousy I wrote C.M [her initials] because that is what jealousy is to me.

I am jealous I do not feel the unconditional love from my parents that most kids do. I am jealous I have to question it. I am jealous I am not 5'9" & not 130 pounds, I am jealous I am not gorgeous, or even pretty. I am just plain jealous.

A is for Anger

Questioning my anger was a different situation. I wasn't angry, I was smiling, laughing and praising God - I was having fun . But, deep down I was angry, I was hurting, I was furious, I just didn't want to know it.

I am angry because my life isn't turning out the way I want it to be. I am angry because I feel God doesn't want me anymore, I am angry because I want to be different but don't know how to. I am angry because I am not the person I want to be, I am angry because I KNOW I have more potential than I am living up to and I don't know how to damnit!

I am angry because I try and try and I am not good enough for Story. I am angry because all I want is a little brother who loves me and he HATES me in every way possible. I AM ANGRY BECAUSE I WANT ACCEPTANCE SO DESPERATELY..

W is for worry.

I am always always worried. It is a part of me that never seems to fade, or pass. I don't know how to be calm. Mady is constantly telling me to "go with the flow" but I can't, I need to plan, I need to prepare, I need to control.

I am worried I won't know what to do in high school and will just rush into something. I am worried I will be at Dairy Queen for the rest of my life because I honestly don't know what to do, where to go or who to be. I am worried I will never get married, I will never have kids and I will die alone, being the cat lady everyone laughs at. I am worried I will amount to nothing and be a disappointment to my family, friends and most importantly God.

I am worried Carron will become sick of me, and leave me here. I am worried I will lose everyone because I am a needy controlling bitch. I am worried I will never lose the weight I need to, I am worried no one will every look at me with love in their eyes. I AM WORRIED!

But above all, above all my jealousy, my anger, and my worrying - I know at the end of the day, I can give it to a person who's strong enough, brave enough, big enough and loving enough to take it - & as easy at that it's gone. God - please look at my "JAW" and give me the ways and tools to handle it.

- Cait.