2008

I woke up this morning, not only to a new day, but a new year and a new start. Although, today feels absolutely no different than yesterday did, I makes a big difference for me. New years resoultions are something I make every year, and BREAK every year. But, see the one resoultion I always have is to lose weight, blah blah blah, I decided that this years resolution was going to be more of a reality and possiblity, and also something I will not give up on so easily.

This year I have two resoultions, one in which will require a lot more work than the other, but both are something to improve me, and my self conciousness. For one , I want to stop biting my nails, it sounds funny that I would actually consider this something that I need to post, and make a real New Years resoultion, but for as LONG as I can remember, I've been biting my nails. I bite them when I'm nervous, when I'm bored, and mostly all the time. I don't even notice doing it anymore. I think surprisingly, this will ACTUALLY help me be a little less self concious as funny as it sounds.

The bigger, and harder resoultion I have made for myself this year, would be putting myself first, it sounds really selfish and for the longest time I would never want to do that, but I realized being the person I was, and am, I simply cannot allow myself to care as much as I do about others. In previous months and years all my focus was on friends, if I could make them happy, I thought I would be fine. I never realized how wrong I was, sure I tried as much as possible to keep them happy, and I am sure they gained from it, but I lost myself through it all. Never have I felt as insecure and unhappy as I did during October and November, and even part of September, and this was all because it got out of hand. It was not physically possible to make two of my friends happy with the situation we were all in, and I lost it.

So if I could have one thing happen this year, it would have to be that. Just allowing myself to be okay, and allowing my self to care for myself, and put myself first in life. Because, in the end, through all the friendships that fail and through all the screwed up relationships, all I really have is myself.

I really hope I end up using this blog a lot, because it can be a way for me to vent and get everything out in a clean safe way.
Happy New Years.