Allie Higdon

Since I'm pretty sure Allie is the ONLY one that reads this site, I'm going to write about her. My sista from a different mista, literally. Shes turned me into her mini me, and I wouldn't want it any other way. Allie , you know you're one of my best friends and we become closer everyday, which is weird since you live miles and miles and MILES away, in Newfoundland. Since the day you left our friendship grew and grew, to an extent I didn't know was possible from so far away. Thank you for always being there for me, and always making me laugh. I have yet to know anyone who has the ability to make me laugh as often and as hard as you do, about nothing. We have more inside jokes than with anyone I know, and the majority of the time my personal message is about some joke one of us said. I know you're going through a lot right now because of stupid boys that get in the way of everything. But, I love you more than any of those stupid boys, and If I lived 78 hours closer, they wouldn't survive it. You're more important than them, and you don't need any of them, as long as you have friends who love you [ which you do, because i know for a fact I am one of them] than you'll be fine in life. I really hope you move back to Bowmanville or atleast Kitchener. It's been soooo long since I last saw you and I miss seeing you everyday in Science. I love you so much and I would do anything for you. I hope we're friends forever , Allie :]

I survived it.

Looking back on last year I realized how much I endured and survived. I never really realized the struggles I went through. Grade nine, the first year of high school and where your life really begins in my opinion. By September 23rd my best friend had already moved to England, that being said the only friend I really truly had ever, was Emma, and when she left my life fell apart, forcing me to make new friends.

I remember the Monday after she left, Stephanie invited me to eat with her and Molly and it was probably the nicest thing that could ever had happened then. I wish things could of remained that way, and easy. I decided it was time to move on from Emma, because although I missed her, she was gone and I needed to realize that.

Me and Stephanie , Emily and Lynette, all got closer, we were all in gym together and we just became better friends as the year went on. Of course good things only last sooo long, and things changed, and they changed fast. Next thing I knew, it was second semester, and I had survived the first semester of high school, and I was happy.

Second semester happened, and it was good too, for the start atleast. I had French with Emily, and Stephanie and Lynette, and it was perfect. One day everything all went down hill and FAST. Next thing I knew, Stephanie hated lynette, and i figured I should too so steph would continue to be my friend. And Emily took her side without realizing it, because we were rude to lynette for really no reason.

I really can't remember what happened, but all i know, is I had no one at all. Grade nine, is not a year you want to be a loner. Steph decided she hated me, and that was not what I wanted, and ... I became the one she disliked most. Boy, it wasn't easy at all. She'd give me dirty looks, she'd put her backpack in my seat so I couldn't sit there, and she'd talk about me. I cried myself to sleep many nights and I would fake sick so I wouldn't have to deal with her.

Through all of that, the more hated I got, the more I disliked myself and the more depressed I got, which I figure has a lot to do with the depression 'discovery'. But I became stronger and I became able to deal with stuff I could never imagine I could. Not to say that it ever stopped. Steph did, and we are now friends surprisingly. But theres a new Stephanie in my life, and I think we all have a 'Stephanie' in our lives, but she taught me how to live and learn, and I'm grateful for the hell she put me through.

Worlds best friend

Everyone seems to think they have the worlds best friend, when of course theres only one of those in the world. I know I got her, and Im lucky for it. Emma Hazell has had to put up with crap I would not make my worst enemy go through, just for being my best friend. I've put her in situations that make not only my life hell, but hers as well, and I expect her to get us BOTH out of it. She has literally saved my life, and saved my ass quite a few times. From having to ensure our drunk asses don't get hit by cars, while walking down King Street, to crushing those pills I was going to take when I so badly wanted to end my life. Then the times where she sat there watching me climb out a window because I wanted to run away, or sat in my room as I told my mom how much I hated her and I wanted to move, oh yeah - that was today! And then theres the times she hugged me when I cried, and needed it most. Yep, I have the worlds best friend. There is nothing in this world I wouldn't do for her, without a second thought I would do whatever I could to make her happy. We have been through it all, living thousands of miles apart from the only person that ever truly got me , or took the time to. To fighting and almost losing our friendship over people who were not worth it, and are no longer a part of my life. I can not believe I almost lost the worlds best friend for some person that would just end up being another regret anyways. If I could tell the worlds best friend one thing from the very bottom of my heart, it would be. I am very grateful for everything you do , Emma. I really do not deserve you as I never did anything right to get you in the first place, but I am so lucky you chose me as a best friend. There are not enough hours in the day to thank you for all that you've done for me, especially lately. I could not imagine my life without you, and only going less than a week was hard enough. I hated passing you in the halls and being unable to even say hello, when normally we would be walking together. Whatever happens, I hope you're my best friend forever, and i'll hold on to this friendship until the day I can no longer, because I want you to be my maid of honor at my wedding, and make the speech that has me bawling. I love you so much my BFF Emma.

Friends.

Today my former best friend brought up something that I have never realized that I will never forget eitherr. It was brought up how I tend to have one main friend and like two back up ones, and that happens to be this situation. I mean, those two friends aren't "back up" i love them just as much, but, I am stuck with having minimum friends because I am too scared to open up to others and let them see me.

This traces back to my constant fear of rejection. I am terrified I will "put myself" out there only to be rejected by those I try to befriend. I am worried that anything could stand in the way of me being someone with a few friends I can rely on. I would much rather have a few close friends than many I can't trust, but the thought of my little amount of friends doesn't help me.

It used to be me and jen, she had no one else and neither did I. I liked it, she on the other hand didn't. It then changed to me and Emma, it is still that way, with Emily and Kayla also as a few of my close friends. I love all three of them and I can count on them when I need someone, but I am wondering if I am missing something by not making more friends.

I will never be someone you consider popular and I am content with that. I am self concious enough without having the pressure of EVERYONE looking at me and judging every single little move I make. I never wanted to be one of them, or be looked upon as one of them, but I would not mind being a little more well known.

My dad.

My hero, and the man I look up to. Yet, hurts me more than anyone in this world. I don't get it, I couldn't love him anymore if you asked me, but he doesn't seem like he knows how to return the love. He's an amazing father and I wouldnt want anyone to think otherwise, but one thing about him, just destroy me completely. The only thing I would change about my father is his smoking. Not only does it literally kill me, it emotionally destroys me.



I am so scared to lose my dad, and I am losing him to smoking. Its an on going battle and one I have never quite won because the second that cigarette hits his mouth I am down again. The worst part, is he tries to quit yet I can never trust him about it anymore. Not that I should trust him or have any reason to, catching him smoking behind my back destroys and uliminates that trust completely. I have given up trying to convince him to quit smoking, if he wants to, he will. If not, I will be one of the unlucky that loses my father to cancer, knowing it would be a battle that could be totally avoided if he really loved me enough to do it.



Sure, I believe smoking is hard to quit, and maybe I don't know what its like, but its an extremely selfish act, not only are you killing yourself, youre also killing those who live with you and have to face you everyday, and you're smoking. You are causing yourself, your family, and your house to have a stench no one really wants to smell, including me. Its something I have been working on changing for some time.



I am a person who believes that cancer paitents that have lung cancer, because they spent their life smoking, do not deserve the hospital care/beds and they should be saved for those who are sick, and not by choice. If my father is in the situation that he has lung cancer, because of this, my opinions will obviously change because I want the best for him, but deep inside, I will never agree with this.



Until the day I pass, or he passes, the one thing I will never forgive him for is smoking. For smoking my whole life, for smoking for a huge part of his life. For not listening all the times I begged him to quit. For not getting the hint when we would flush his cigarettes down the toilet. For sneaking behind our backs and smoking when I was of course most proud of him, thinking he was finally changing. Thats the only thing I would ever dare to change about him, because in reality, he is my daddy, and I am a daddies girl, and I love no one more than him.

Girls Night.

It is an obvious fact that girls need their "time". Just to talk, to gossip, to do make up, and nails, to eat, and just to have fun and forget the outside world for that very minute. Thats what happened last night at Garth and Jills. Spending the night with my favourite person, Garth, wasn't something I ever thought I'd come across, and it was quite the night. I was prepared to do what my mom does to shut Garth up, and to be left alone but instead I delt with it ocassionally telling him to leave me alone/shut up.

Anyways, yesterday I wanted to go see Garth and Jill and the girls since we hadn't seen them in a while, and we went over and visited and got invited to watch this cute chick flick with them. That turned into being invited to sleepover, and it all turned into a night of fun.

Me and My Mom quickly rushed home and packed our stuff, and drove back over. We then watched Love wrecked, it was a cute movie that I liked. Afterwards My mom helped Ally make a bracelet, and I played scene it for the OC with Brooke, while Jill made dinner. We ate dinner with our fancey umbrella cups , which I thought were amazing :), and then had our huge brownies for desert :). After that we did our nails and our make-up. The amazing Ally was in charge of the spa, and directed most of it. I was lucky enough to have my make - up and nails done by the energetic and full of life 7 year old. We then watched another amazing movie, which ranks as one of MY personal favourites now, and then we went to bed.

Above all , it was an amazing night, despite waking up and Garths face being one of the first things I saw [ just kidding Garth :) ] and something that must be done again!
Love you girls ! :]

Insecurities.

For as long as I can remember, I have been what someone would call, insecure, or self concious, or anything else that defines those meanings. To myself , insecure means self doubtful, self concious, lacking self confidence, and much more, but those are what mainly address me. When searching insecure on www.dictionary.com the defintion that fit me the best was "not confident or certain; uneasy; anxious:"

I am not one to accept a compliment, I can not seem to accept one because of the simple fact I hardly believe whats being said. I have gotten better about it, realizing denying it will only make me look needy and deseperate for compliments, when in all honesty, I just don't see it. I now will say thanks as a reply, rather than "no" or anything of the sort.

I look in the mirror and my flaws stand out more than anything else to me. No matter what I do I cannot see anything positive and I would do anything in the world to feel secure, confident, and okay with myself. My insecurities do not only invovle my appearence, but every thing. My laugh, my voice, my personality and really anything I can possibly think of.

This is not being posted to hear "oh, you're pretty" or asking for compliments from anyone, or anything, because I really do not need that to be happy, I am posting this to get my truth out, and to feel better about myself. Writing in blogs, makes me have new realizations and feel better about situations I previously didn't.

Writing and Blogging.

When I was first introduced to the site My Space about two years ago or so, the bulletin section caught my mind. If you had me on myspace during that time, and for the longest time, you'll know what I mean. I used the bulletins a lot. To rant, to give a laugh, for everything, the bulletin section was what I used. I'm sure it got really annoying, and I later figured out the blogging aspect. I was never much of a writer, and didn't get much enjoyment out of it.

After blogging about my Uncle's death, I realized I enjoyed writing to get all my feelings out, I realized I was not very good at it, but that did not matter because it worked to my advantage. I wrote more and more, and whenever I was in a writing mood, I would give it my all. I put forth a lot of emotion when writing, and tell you how I feel.

Looking back from my first blog and reading all 90 something of them, I realize how much my writing has improved, how much its gotten better, and maybe even decent. I'm not an author by any means and I really never could be , but writing has sure become a new passion for me. My blogs have become something I use when I have this feeling that I am going to explode and I NEED to get it out. Weither its for the public, close friends, or just me, I get it out in a safe enviroment.

In my opinion theres nothing better than getting positive feedback on something you put a lot of emotion into. I love that feeling, and I even love negative feedback, because it improves my writing abilities. Although, I am not writing to become a good writer, or anything of the sort, it's because it makes me feel good, but theres nothing wrong with improving.

I would like to depend on this site a bit more than I depend on myspace, because I enjoy it better. I am not sure who will read it, or if anyone will, but its going to make me feel better, and work on something I consider a passion.

2008

I woke up this morning, not only to a new day, but a new year and a new start. Although, today feels absolutely no different than yesterday did, I makes a big difference for me. New years resoultions are something I make every year, and BREAK every year. But, see the one resoultion I always have is to lose weight, blah blah blah, I decided that this years resolution was going to be more of a reality and possiblity, and also something I will not give up on so easily.

This year I have two resoultions, one in which will require a lot more work than the other, but both are something to improve me, and my self conciousness. For one , I want to stop biting my nails, it sounds funny that I would actually consider this something that I need to post, and make a real New Years resoultion, but for as LONG as I can remember, I've been biting my nails. I bite them when I'm nervous, when I'm bored, and mostly all the time. I don't even notice doing it anymore. I think surprisingly, this will ACTUALLY help me be a little less self concious as funny as it sounds.

The bigger, and harder resoultion I have made for myself this year, would be putting myself first, it sounds really selfish and for the longest time I would never want to do that, but I realized being the person I was, and am, I simply cannot allow myself to care as much as I do about others. In previous months and years all my focus was on friends, if I could make them happy, I thought I would be fine. I never realized how wrong I was, sure I tried as much as possible to keep them happy, and I am sure they gained from it, but I lost myself through it all. Never have I felt as insecure and unhappy as I did during October and November, and even part of September, and this was all because it got out of hand. It was not physically possible to make two of my friends happy with the situation we were all in, and I lost it.

So if I could have one thing happen this year, it would have to be that. Just allowing myself to be okay, and allowing my self to care for myself, and put myself first in life. Because, in the end, through all the friendships that fail and through all the screwed up relationships, all I really have is myself.

I really hope I end up using this blog a lot, because it can be a way for me to vent and get everything out in a clean safe way.
Happy New Years.