"Why me"..

I'm about to throw myself a pity party, if you're not interested, back away before you get sucked in.

I don't know whats wrong with me. Either, I'm REALLY REALLY good, or REALLY REALLY shitty.

I don't know why I can't be "okay". Why can't I smile two days in a row - is there a RULE?

Can I not be unconditionally happy?

Can I not have a good, loving family? Why am I stuck with a grandfather who doesn't care about his own granddaughter. Or Francis, who has met me once - why aren't I loved enough for them? Why aren't I good enough for them.

Why was London so amazing, and I get back to Bowmanville and its worse than it EVER is.. Why was I SSOOO happy, only to be crushed into soo many tiny pieces.

Do I not deserve that ONE ounce of happiness. To just smile, without caring.

Its R.A.K week. I went above and beyond, I got two teachers, one guidance councelor and the princable, a little [random act of kindness gift] could I not just ask for the simple respect from my grandfather this one day?

I don't know wht I did, or how I got this life. But Please - someone help me deal with it . I can't do it alone...

when you don't know what else to do,

what do you do?


I am at a loss for words, wondering what I am supposed to do. You lied to me so many times, I am so hurt. I am not perfect, I realize this, of course I do - but what do I do after being lied to time after time. I know I'm worth more than putting up with it - but I love you so much. I'm in a bad position.

I remember you finding out I drank the times I did, oh do I ever. You were so mad at me, you made me feel so bad. I promised I wouldn't ever do it again, and I haven't. Did I accidently have a sip of my moms drink on Thanksgiving? Yes. But that hardly counts. It was coke, I didn't realize there was Whiskey in it. Anyways, at one point. I would of put my life in your hands - now, I can't trust you anymore. I really can't. You had a boyfriend jus over a month ago, you lied to me about it. Because you didn't trust I wouldn't tell. When I found out, I was mad and I still have the long email saved you saying you'd never lie to me again...

That was less than a month ago ..

Now what - you're now drinking, and have another boyfriend. When I asked you if you were dating him, yuo said no. I don't care what you lied to me about, But you've lied to me SO much I just don't know what to do.

I'm mad, sad, and disappointed. I think its in your best interest to stay away from me for a little while, because I don't want to see your face...

one hundredth and one blog.

I don't have the energy to blog everyday, I am getting tired and weak. I am not going to continue my blog a day , it's getting too much. I am SO busy I do not have time for it and feel pressured to do it when I return. Many people have changed my life, and I didn't even get through a month of them - but when the time comes I feel it is important to share their story, and the reason they deserve a blog, I will. I just can't do it everyday!

Day Twenty Seven.

I know I have wrote in a while, a long while. I've been in London, and I'm sure that will get it's own blog on its own, but for now, I'll just write about a person who inspired me beyond belief while IN London..

Scott Greenberg

While In London, I was inspired by many motivational speakers, many people provided me with tools and tips to change my life - Scotts message managed to change my life, beyond changed my life.

Scott is an motivational speaker, with a passion for speaking beyond anything and it is proven during his messages. I wish I could tell you how amazing he is, and how much he's changed me, but words don't do him justice, they really don't.

Hes gone through so much, from cancer, to his fiance leaving him, but hes so happy and he is able to help others change their own lives

Scott, I hope to meet you one day, down the road. And try to explain my graditute, because it is very much there. I appreciated your message, and I'm working on getting rid of my "sandbags"

day twenty seven

You have the most spirit than anyone I've ever met. You're always smiling and making me laugh. Our school wouldn't be what it is without you, and you'll surely be missed after this semester.

Mikki Decker.

Honestly, Mikki our school would be nothing without you. You've brought so much spirit, so much positivity, and so much enthusiasm. You have inspired me to a degree I cannot explain to you. I strive to be like you, and be the role model you are to so many people.

Mikki, I am so lucky to go to BHS at the same time you have, I know BHS, would be a completely different school if we weren't lucky enough to have you.

This isn't a super long blog , or filled with depth. But, Mikki, because of you, I am who I am. And I strive to do so much more for the school. Hopefully, I can be half the person you are, one day.
I love you Mikki Decker, and I'm excited for London today.

Day Twenty Six.

You were a good friend of mine, for sometime. I'm sure we still would be if you hadn't moved so far away from me. I knew you were only here for a while, but goodbye wasn't any easier - I still miss you..

Marines Perez

It was the first day of school, in grade eight we met. We instantly "hit it off" , Mr.Dewell forced me to sit beside you, and it was a good thing he did so. It was so much fun, trying to help you learn English, I remember talking to you was often a challenge, but one way or another, we always had a way to communicate.

Your first snow fall, was definately a hit in my life.. I remember, your eyes went huge, and you just wanted to catch one on your tounge. We were late for class that day I believe, you just wanted to sit out in the snow, and experience something Guatamala, did not offer you.

That day in December, the 15th to be exact, was the day to say goodbye. I knew it was coming, but didn't realize how quickly. All of a sudden, it was your last day. I was so sad. I walked home with you that day, and I remember us crying the whole way there. Also, standing at your door porch, hugging. It was goodbye, and you were flying out to Guatamala. I walked home alone crying the whole way, missing you like nothing else. That feeling still hasn't disappeared, and I hope, next time you come to Canada, you remember me, and we visit. I miss you and love you, Marines Perez!