I am happy.

I knew that the time would come that I would happily post on here, and here it is.

So I mentioned a few blogs ago about how things had changed with Carron & I; & Nana Frankie and I. Here it goes..


Carron MacLeod,

Carron was only my youth leader and Sunday school teacher when I posted that blog in early October. She was part of my church family - but that was it. Since then a lot has changed, a lot! Carron stepped up when everything failed at church and she became everything to us. Honestly, anyone who has had the privilege to meet Carron, should be eternally grateful - because no matter what happens, she is there. I have a friend, a sister in christ, a second mother, and a lifelong teacher. I love her ! :]

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Nana Frankie,
I met her in June .. the rest is history.. I love her. I am so glad I have her in my life. :]

k.
i cant write anymore :s i used to be decent at it
now i'm a tool.

I'm tired of crying..

I am tired of hurting, stressing, and worrying about much more than a grade 12 should. Money issues are not my problem or concern, but they are my life - it isn't fair. I'm too young to have all this on me.. Mom's worsening depression, and not being able to afford the medicine. Moving ? I don't know .. Can't keep our car. Can't afford my birthday .. nothing, it sucks, and isn't fair. It's a part of life, but too much a part of mine. My eyes hurt, i've spent too many hours crying this morning.

:[

Everything happens for a reason.

Today was and has been a bad day. I woke up asking if I could go visit Nana Frankie as I miss her, and the answer was no as our car had been taken away because we couldn't afford the payments. Ever since my Mom lost her job in June things have been super tough and they just haven't been getting easier, and it makes me so sad and anxious. I am working a lot, or was before - now my hours have been cut tremendously. I am needing these hours to not only support myself but help support my family . I'm stressing about things no 16 [almost 17!] year old should be stressing about. My Mom didn't want me to tell anyone about the car thing so I hope she doesn't read this haha.

Last night me and Rachie went on a long walk, we left just after 10:30 and didn't return to her house til almost one. We talked about our church family and mainly Carron, the whole walk. About how much we love her and how loving she is , no one has quite stepped up like Carron has the past few months. I think it was good for the both of us to realize how important she is, and how truly lost and devasted we'd be without her. We are blessed.
I am soo not in a blogging mood - I am grumpy and have work later, I tried my hardest, but I just can't do it !
I need to blog soon, and do a good one - when i'm happy [haha never]
<3

Savior, he can move the mountains- my god is mighty to save..

I don't know how I feel today, sort of empty, and funny feeling. I think a lot of it is exhaustion, and reading all 105 blogs last night left me filled with sadness and many mixed emotions. First, I miss Amy, where the heck did she go? She was so nice and loving on all my blogs. Second, I miss the ways things used to be .. the way I was soo close to some people, and I can't decide if its for the better or worse than we are no longer as close. It did make me smile at times though, me and Carron are a lot closer than we used to be when I wrote those blogs in October, and I now have Nana Frankie.
I just feel FUNNY. I'll expand sometime next week on all of this, for now - I am taking a computer break.
Bye.
Cait;

I miss blogging.

I used to be addicted, blogged almost everyday - but my life has taken many unexpected turns, and I just kind of died off from blogging. First of all, I got a job. Dairy Queen has taken over my life in so many aspects. Not even just the working, but the people, and the friendships - not that I see that as a bad thing by any means, but my life is just sort of dairy queen now. Now school is starting in a few weeks, senior year. That's fricken scary. I am so anxious, and nervous not knowing what is to come. I failed my grade 11 math after MANY many struggles, and I chose not to go to summer school so now I must figure out an alternetive. Plus, I want to go to bible school -but it's over 4000 dollars and my parents aren't paying any, so I am stressing about that.

In June, I met Nana Frankie. So I have spent a lot of time with her, bonding, and learning - growing, and trying to start a relationship after sixteen years. I would never say it was or is easy, but it is worth it. I am so glad she is in my life, even if it took sixteen years to get to it. I am going to bed, a long day that involved work, church and friends - my life these days.

Hopefully, i'll be back soon :)
-Cait.

why can't I be beautiful?

I often wonder this question when I stare in the mirror, "why don't I look like her?" or "why aren't I as pretty as her" or "why don't my clothes look as nice as hers". Its a hard concept for me to grasp, as those questions run through my head, I don't have answers, nor does anyone else. The truth is apparent and inevitable, I am not as pretty as her, I don't look like her, and my clothes don't look as nice as her.BUT - my question also would have to be "who is she", who am I basing all of this on? No, it's not in on a super model, or an actress, because I am not stupid and know that is not realistic. I am basing it on the people in my surroundings.When asking those questions, I'm really meaning "Why isn't my hair as Nice as Christines" or "why aren't my thighs as small as jenns " or "why don't I take amazing pictures like Cat" and my favourite "why aren't I as tall as Emily"I may never have answers, why I lack what those around me don't. I might never smile at the fact I am not like them, or look like them. I might not be able to look in the mirror and see something beautiful ever, and that makes me sad.Tonight at youth group we were supposed to write, why we are beautiful. Not even just apperance, but personality, seven reasons why we're beautiful! Emily got five, Rachel got seven, and Jenna got seven. You know what? I didn't even get one..While they are pouring their hearts out and confessing why they think they're beautiful, I am sitting their pondering what I will write as my first point, and absolutely nothing comes to mind -NOW THAT IS SAD.I can't think of even one reason why I am beautiful, if that isn't pathetic what is? I am not saying it for a pity party, or so you're all like "oh you're beautiful " and lie to make me feel better. I know the truth, I am used to the truth, and I truly see no good in myself, it is not a crave for attention, but by writing this it is a way to let it out.Hopefully one day, I can write seven reasons why I am beautiful, until then - i'll find a way too deal with my overflowing self hatred.

"Why me"..

I'm about to throw myself a pity party, if you're not interested, back away before you get sucked in.

I don't know whats wrong with me. Either, I'm REALLY REALLY good, or REALLY REALLY shitty.

I don't know why I can't be "okay". Why can't I smile two days in a row - is there a RULE?

Can I not be unconditionally happy?

Can I not have a good, loving family? Why am I stuck with a grandfather who doesn't care about his own granddaughter. Or Francis, who has met me once - why aren't I loved enough for them? Why aren't I good enough for them.

Why was London so amazing, and I get back to Bowmanville and its worse than it EVER is.. Why was I SSOOO happy, only to be crushed into soo many tiny pieces.

Do I not deserve that ONE ounce of happiness. To just smile, without caring.

Its R.A.K week. I went above and beyond, I got two teachers, one guidance councelor and the princable, a little [random act of kindness gift] could I not just ask for the simple respect from my grandfather this one day?

I don't know wht I did, or how I got this life. But Please - someone help me deal with it . I can't do it alone...

when you don't know what else to do,

what do you do?


I am at a loss for words, wondering what I am supposed to do. You lied to me so many times, I am so hurt. I am not perfect, I realize this, of course I do - but what do I do after being lied to time after time. I know I'm worth more than putting up with it - but I love you so much. I'm in a bad position.

I remember you finding out I drank the times I did, oh do I ever. You were so mad at me, you made me feel so bad. I promised I wouldn't ever do it again, and I haven't. Did I accidently have a sip of my moms drink on Thanksgiving? Yes. But that hardly counts. It was coke, I didn't realize there was Whiskey in it. Anyways, at one point. I would of put my life in your hands - now, I can't trust you anymore. I really can't. You had a boyfriend jus over a month ago, you lied to me about it. Because you didn't trust I wouldn't tell. When I found out, I was mad and I still have the long email saved you saying you'd never lie to me again...

That was less than a month ago ..

Now what - you're now drinking, and have another boyfriend. When I asked you if you were dating him, yuo said no. I don't care what you lied to me about, But you've lied to me SO much I just don't know what to do.

I'm mad, sad, and disappointed. I think its in your best interest to stay away from me for a little while, because I don't want to see your face...

one hundredth and one blog.

I don't have the energy to blog everyday, I am getting tired and weak. I am not going to continue my blog a day , it's getting too much. I am SO busy I do not have time for it and feel pressured to do it when I return. Many people have changed my life, and I didn't even get through a month of them - but when the time comes I feel it is important to share their story, and the reason they deserve a blog, I will. I just can't do it everyday!

Day Twenty Seven.

I know I have wrote in a while, a long while. I've been in London, and I'm sure that will get it's own blog on its own, but for now, I'll just write about a person who inspired me beyond belief while IN London..

Scott Greenberg

While In London, I was inspired by many motivational speakers, many people provided me with tools and tips to change my life - Scotts message managed to change my life, beyond changed my life.

Scott is an motivational speaker, with a passion for speaking beyond anything and it is proven during his messages. I wish I could tell you how amazing he is, and how much he's changed me, but words don't do him justice, they really don't.

Hes gone through so much, from cancer, to his fiance leaving him, but hes so happy and he is able to help others change their own lives

Scott, I hope to meet you one day, down the road. And try to explain my graditute, because it is very much there. I appreciated your message, and I'm working on getting rid of my "sandbags"