A perfect day.

Today was a very nice day. Me and my Mom fought for about two hours this morning, but by 10 , everything was resolved and everyone was happy! Me and Mommy went shopping with Rachel. I got a few shirts, and some flip flops. I still have fifty dollars left, so I'm going to open up a bank account, I'll need one when I get my money from camp!!! I'm so excited for camp, I cannot even express it to you. I can't believe I am going to spend a month away from home! I mean I come home on weekends, to do laundry, and stay a little less than 24 hours in my own home. That is going to be hard on me, but the money is good, and the job is good, and the experience is good. I need it. I always seem to get off topic! .

I went over to a family friends house today, my dad was going to try to help them fix the computer, and I always enjoy joining them, so I went too. Like always, I had an amazing time, with many laughs. My vocabulary has sure been added on to, aswell. The things you learn at the Hysons house are unbelievable.
I'm going to bed, I'm exhausted.

Working on moi!

Today I did something soo unlike me, and something I'd never usualy do! I pierced my nose. Well, I didn't but I got it done. I love it, I didn't like it at first, but I'm growing to love it. It was an interesting piercing They clamped my nose, stuck a needle all the way through [it was touching my lip!] and then put the stud thing on and pulled it through with a needle! I actually didn't cry! Although my right eye did water, makes sense though, poking a hole through my nose! :]

Ps. I'm NOT naked. It looks sort of like it LOL

Kids will be kds.

I remember being in grade six, and being made fun of, and being told by teachers, "kids will be kids". They used that as an excuse, making it okay it make fun of people simply because "kids will be kids". I carried that on for a long time. I remember crying myself to sleep many many nights, and jsut thinking, how is it okay that you can say that, because theyre kids theyre excused from punishment, its okay to call me fat and ugly? What if a kid mruderded someone, does the saying kids will be kids work then? I don't think so. Today I had a really good day. I brought my math mark up again and am finally in the 60's, finally 11 percent over the passing mark. I'm going to chuck e cheese tonight, and I just had a good day. Spanish is usually my favourite class, so i thought it was the icing on the cake. Until, the three most immature boys ever ruined it. They were talking about me, which is fine. But if you're going to talk about me, don't try to hide it, and stare at me ? Are you that stupid. ANywyas, saying I was 436 pounds, ha, nice. I acted like I didn't hear it, and more so like it didn't hurt, they won't understand the depth of that pain being a perfect height, perfect weight, and having a perfect face.. they don't get how much it hurts. Then they accidently called rachael, a friend in the class, caitlin, and shes like "i'm not caitlin" and im like "holy, dont sound too offended" kidding, 100 percent. And the boys were like "oh burnnnn" and one of them said "fight naked after school" everything they say is rude and crude, and hes like "oh, i meant Rachael, I wouldnt want to see you naked". Its just, I'm wondering, when are kids going to grow out of the stage of making fun of people for their own pleasure. Its people like them that push me closer and closer to the edge.

"Far away Friends"

When thinking about some of the reasons I feel the way I do, as I stated in the previous blogs, I realized a reason this could all be happening. A lot of my friends, one way or another have become "far away friends". I have Jessica, whom was really always a far away friend, but it makes it difficult, when one of the closest people to you, live in another country, take my word for it. Then there is Allie, who her and I have really lost touch over the months, but she moved to Newfoundland, after our friendship just had begun. We were really close, at one point, and when our only contact was on, and through the internet, we sort of lost touch. Emma, is moving back to England, so I will once again lose her. Then theres Marines, who lives in Guatamala!!! And Jen , whom moved too.

Jeez, I have a lot of "far away friends"

reoccuring feelings.

Here I am, thinking I outgrew these feelings, got over them, moved on, but then that self doubt, and self worth, comes back into the picture. This time involving friends, a struggle I thought I had delt with. Waking up every morning, wondering "do they like me?", "am I just being used?", "what do I have to offer in their friendships?", "why do they put up with me". I thought I got over it, realizing they would not stick around if they truly did not love me.
So why, am I here once again, pondering, wondering, am I truly worth? Why can't I get over myself? I feel selfish when I am constantly talking about, and thinking about myself in these blogs. I know I'm not the only one in this world, and the world doesn't revolve around me, but thoughts are constantly flowing through my head, wondering why I just can't be good enough for once.

Whatever. I don't know what to say.

Me.

Caitlin Alexandra Marr, is the name. I was born on September 10th 1992, to amazingly loving parents, and a nice home in a small town, in Canada. My life hasn't been perfect, but whos has? I recently found out I am considered "depressed" something I knew long before the doctors told me, though. I've been through the medicine, the talking, and everything of the sort, but nothing is going to change those feelings I have inside everyday, its something I'm learning to deal with and live with. I have the most supporting family, you'd never guess by some of the things I say though. I truly love my family to death. I would do anything for my daddy, he is my hero, my best friend, and he means everything to me. Nothing he could ever do or say, can change the way I feel about him. My Mom is supportive of me, with everything I do. She is there for every step i take, and has been through it all with me, lately. I truly love my Mommy to death, even though we seem to fight alot. I have the worlds most annoying brother, but I wouldn't trade him for the world. No one can be mean to him but myself, or you will have to deal with me. Without Quinn, life would be boring.

My friends and I have been through a lot , i've lost many, gained many, and kept many. It has been a battle for me through the years, because I get scared that they won't like me for who I am, and decide its not worth it, neither is the friendship. I have a few close friends, like Rachel, Emma and Jen, that I love a lot, and would do anything for.

I'm pretty much your average teen at the end of the day though. I cry at the drop of the hat, and laugh until I can't breathe. I fight way too much, and deny any compliement, you could possibly give me, I love with all my heart, and expect nothing less of you.

Caitlin Alexandra Marr; a work in progress.

The paiiiin.

Days like these, I just wish I could be a boy! Its funny how little boys understand about the pain we endure every 28 days. I suppose everyone isn't as unlucky as me, and doesn't have experiences like these, but when it gets to the point that I am throwing up, I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. It was so bad today I left school. Just for FIVE days a month, I wish I could be a boy. I wish they could have the chance to endure this awful experience. There is not enough medicine in the world to take these cramps away, trust me I've tried.

Ugh, I'm going to go die now.

Happy :)

I got my ISU [individual studies unit] back and I got a 96 percent. I'm so happy and proud of it, I did a lottttt of work on it, and I got a mark I could of never imagined gettting :D . Its worth 15 percent of my mark toooo! :D

Anyways
for now this is alllll i'm writing.
I am at school and its tooo risky.
My day has beeen made:D

Acceptance.

Accepting me, for me, has been a long and hard battle for me. One I have yet to conquer, yet to beat. I still have those same negative feelings towards myself. I always wonder, why can't I just love myself for the person I am? Tonight while thinking about this situation, I came up with the answer closest to what I see as the truth.

My whole life, my family has tried to accept me, and try to love me, for me. For all my flaws and imperfections, that continued appearing rapidly after the age 10. I don't think my family ever has truly accepted me, not all of me. Not the many imperfections, or the attitude that springs out of my mouth involuntarily, not the lack of love I tend to show.

I know my dad never grew up in a "lovey-dovey" home, so for him its "hard" to express love. I know it is hard for me, when I say "goodnight I love you" and he responds with just "goodnight". If theres one thing I want my dad to know before the day that either of us leave this earth, he was my ultimate role model, and i love him so much.

When I am not often reminded that my family loves me, or is proud of me, or even accepts me , and all of me, then it makes me feel worthless. If my own family isn't going to love me, who will? Those questions run through my head, the feelings, and I go back to my usual way of thinking, and total lack of respect to myself. Oh, gotta love being a teenager.

Ten things Tuesday

I got this great idea from Amy, whom got it from someone elses blog. I thought it was a great thing to do and express each week, what I am grateful for.

1. I am grateful that I was woken up on time, my hair didn't look too bad, and my make up was on all before school.

2. I am grateful that my Mom picked me up on time, from school for my doctors appointment, which doesn't usually happy.

3. I am grateful I start new medicine tomorrow that will eliminate the cramps that made me throw up.

4. That my math mark went up, and I am one percent from a sixty!!!!!! Which was really unimaginable only months ago.

5. That Mr. Kreisz told me I was right about a math situation that was stressing me out, and apologized in front of the whole class, since he embarrassed me infront of the whole class.

6. That it was nice enough to wear my track pant, capris and a tshirt and be warm enough!

7. That I am getting subway for dinner, since I haven't had it in so long :)

8. That I have a roof over my head.

9. That I have a family that sometimes cares ;)

10. And that the sun was shinning when I woke up.

Okay this one was bad, but I had a very uneventful day. I'm sure it will be better next Tuesday. Thanks for the great idea though, Amy!