Ten things Tuesday

I got this great idea from Amy, whom got it from someone elses blog. I thought it was a great thing to do and express each week, what I am grateful for.

1. I am grateful that I was woken up on time, my hair didn't look too bad, and my make up was on all before school.

2. I am grateful that my Mom picked me up on time, from school for my doctors appointment, which doesn't usually happy.

3. I am grateful I start new medicine tomorrow that will eliminate the cramps that made me throw up.

4. That my math mark went up, and I am one percent from a sixty!!!!!! Which was really unimaginable only months ago.

5. That Mr. Kreisz told me I was right about a math situation that was stressing me out, and apologized in front of the whole class, since he embarrassed me infront of the whole class.

6. That it was nice enough to wear my track pant, capris and a tshirt and be warm enough!

7. That I am getting subway for dinner, since I haven't had it in so long :)

8. That I have a roof over my head.

9. That I have a family that sometimes cares ;)

10. And that the sun was shinning when I woke up.

Okay this one was bad, but I had a very uneventful day. I'm sure it will be better next Tuesday. Thanks for the great idea though, Amy!

Struggling.

Lately, every single day I have endured has been a struggle. One way or another, I am struggling to make it through. I think the main reason is because I have not been taking my anti-depressants. This is not a concious thing that I am doing, I just often forget. Currently, I have been left wondering if theres more to life.
Will it get any better? Will I have yet to meet a friend that doesn't move? Will I find self acceptance and self-worth?

This is how I see it, if I hate myself so much, and see myself as an unworthy person to be loved, why am I still here? If that hasn't changed for the past years, why do I continue to live, knowing I will hate every moment of it. I continue to look in the mirror, and shutter in sheer disgust. The pimples, the bags under the eyes, the big nose, the fat face, the messed up eye brows, the permanent ugliness, that haunts me everyday. Of course I wear make up to try to improve this awful apperance, but the pimples get worse, the face gets bigger, the nose stays the same, the eye brows get worse, and the hatred becomes an everyday thing.

No matter what I do, I cannot make myself happy. Even when constantly taking the anti-depressants , I am forever wondering, will it get better? Will I one day wake up, smiling. Will I know that my friends like me, and are not just using me, like I know one is. Will I be "happy".

I guess I'll never know.....

My long, long weekend.

I was blessed to have a "long weekend" this weekend because of "Victoria Day". Thank-you Queen Victoria! My long weekend was one of the longest, busiest, weekends of my life! Friday afternoon my Dad picked me up from school, and took me and Emma straight up to Omemee, also known as "hell", probably the most boring place on earth, but I deal with it. We went up to my grandparents because they had a town yardsale [this town has 1100 people!] and we were asked to help for community hours. Friday we arrived, and helped move dirt, with my Uncle Doug and Grandpa. Boy, wasn't that the highlight of my weekend!. We then had a nice ham dinner, and went to the one little store, watched a movie, and went to bed, knowing how early 5:30 am came.

"Cock-a-doodle-doooo" was what we were awoken up to at hours my eyes should not have to see, my Grandpa, being the interesting man he is, woke us up like that. We did our hair and make-up and went out to set up. My arms were hurting from the wheel barrow, and moving it so much, so wen we had to lift heavy tables and boxes, it was not doing anything nice to my arms. How much worse could one early morning get? Next thing we know its pouring rain, after setting this all up, we were worried we would have to put it away, the rain cleared up, but was on and off all day, none the less , the yardsale was a success.

I then had to "rush" home, a nice little 45 minute drive, because I had babysitting! Don't get me wrong, i love the kids I babysit, but after being up since 5:30 am, and working ALL day, its the last thing I really want to do. Surprise, surprise, they didn't decide to go to bed until 10:45, meanwhile I was struggling to stay up myself. 12:10 arrived, and so did Julie and Clayton. I have never been so happy to see two people in my entire life. I don't know how I stayed awake.

8:30 Sunday morning, a morning I would of loved to sleep in, but a morning I knew I shouldgo to church. Beep beep beep, damnit I just wanted to sleep, but I got up and got ready for church, it was fun, and I enjoyed Sunday School, I always do when my teacher isn't there! haha, shes not bad but damnit, I'm sick of "Jesus link"! Me and Rachel hung out after church, we were supposed to go get me some flip flops, but my mom was freaking out over nothing so we left it. Me and Emily decided to do Rachels hair and make-up, words cannot justify her appearance so I will post some pictures!~ It was then evening service, we didn't really pay attention much, just sat there and chatted.

We went back to Rachels because I was sleeping over, and Kimberley came over. We had angel food cake and hot dogs! Itwas good, ewh, they weren't together! Lol. We walked to Macs, and saw Quinn [my brother] so we stopped to talk. When we got there, I realized I forgot my money, thats SO Caitlin. So we walked ALL theway back and got it, it was after 11 by the time we got home

Then the drama began.....not fun drama. Rachel wouldn't let her sister sleep downstairs with us, so she FREAKED out, when upstairs and was yelling, so her dad yelled at Rachel [even though when me and emily were friends rachel could NEVER sleepdown there with us, they favour emily, and she knows it.] he brought the fight downstairrs, where me and Kimberley were, and said some awful things, Rachel was bawling, we felt bad. Finlly, she became in a better mood, and he proceeded to come down and yell at her MORE. For another hour, it was awkward and took everything I had to not say anything. I am terrible at keeping to myself.

Today was relax day, when we woke up we hung out for a bit and I just came home and had a nap, what a busy weekend.

Oh, I look terrible in these picturessss by the way! Take a wild guess which one rachel is!

Already eight months.

Its been eight months since the first time me and Jess met in real life. I've changed so much then, my hope was always to meet Jess. But I never did see that as an option because she lived in New Hampshire [at the time] and was 33 and I didn't think my parents would really like that. But , after many days of talking, [13 months] it finally happened. Not to say it wasn't planned before that day. It was, thats forsure. I remember she was supposed to come in Feburary. The 16th, actually. And, three days before the date, she had to cancel because she had mono, that crushed me, but I didn't want her to feel worse than she already did. And then, at the end of May, she was supposed to come and she got to the border [with her kids] and had to turn around because the kids fathers werent there, and the notes were not good enough. I remember being crushed. She drove for eight hours, and just hours before she was supposed to arrive, she had to cancel, it broke me.

But , I know what was meant to be would always happen, and finally, September 14th, Jessica came. I didn't think it would EVER happen, but it did, and it was amazing. We had our birthday dinner, we went to the mall, and natalies handbags, I was a dangerous person though. I was so excited, and tried so hard not to be a clutz, that resulted in dropping my plate at breakfast, dropping my drink directly down at dinner, and splashing emma in the face, and some other thing at our birthday dinner, it was quite the weekend.

She came back, exactly two months ago today , too. This time bringing her best friend and daughter. I love Suzi and Caitlin so much, and that weekend, although not really what I expected was amazing, and I would not trade it for anything. That proved to me, more than anything that Jessica really does care, when I spend an hour bawling, and she gets to "the bottom of it" and is there and caring the whole time, I know that she loves me and that proved it more than anything. I know I can count on her when I need her, and I know she is a reliable friend and one I forever want to keep. I miss her, and Cait, and Suzi dearly, but I love them, and know that when its meant to be, it will happen again.

I miss you Jessica, and I love you.

Here are some pictures from our first visit.

Staying home sick.

Today I stayed home sick from school. Its one of those things, its nice to have a break, but I am already stressing out about tomorrow, missing math is not something I should be doing right now, not since I only have a 58 percent. That being said, its a mark I have been earning and am actually somewhat proud of considering how far I've come in the past months. I will not forget, looking at our first mark update, and me having an 18 percent, I just wanted to cry. No, not because I'm a "nerd" and school is my life, but because all my life I've had decent marks, high marks, never eighteen percents. Since then , its been an ongoing struggle, and if I come out of that academic math class with a 51, you can call me proud! Pathetic, but proud. I am just waiting to get to a sixty. Oh well I'm one step closer.

This weekend I'm going to my grandparents Friday right after school until Saturday at like four. They live in a small town of about 1000[my school has more people than that] and my Nanny is part of the lioness club and they are having a yardsale, so she asked me to help for hours. So me and Emma are going over there. What a long day it is going to be for me. Afterwards, I am babysitting until like one am, so considering I am getting up at 6 am, I am going to be exhausted. I will post pictures of me and Emma and my grandparents when I get back. Anyways, no one really reads this, so I'm going to end it.
Caitlin.

Today.

Today, another boring day in the life of Caitlin. I didn't do much at ALL. I had school, of course, and was supposed to go watch the church baseball team, but the Vincents are no longer going, so neither am I! I didn't have any homework, which is good news , everyday. I think I might go to Quinns lacrosse practise tonight. Depends on if dad is still grumpy, its like walking on egg shells with him today. Anyways. I really didn't have anything to write about,
Caitlin.

My Mom.

Dear Mom,

Happy 15th mothers day, fifteen years of being the most amazing mom I could ever ask for, I don't know how you do it. Mom, you won't ever understand what you really mean to me. Simply because words don't do it justice. You're so important to me Mom, and I hate that I don't show you enough or tell you enough. Just knowing you would doing anything for me, causes a feeling I've never felt before. Knowing that I am loved unconditionally, mistakes an all, is amazing Mommy. I am sorry for the harsh things I say, the words I don't mean, the fights I shouldn't cause. I am sorry that I do not listen or respect you enough. I am working on it. But, this mothers day I just want you to know, I love you more than anyone in this world Mommy. I could not or would not ask for my life to be any different, because I cherish the fact I still have my Mommy, to laugh with, to fight with, to cry with, I still get that privillage. I've learnt one thing already, and that is to be lucky enough with what you have, and Mommy I am more than lucky, because you are a-m-a-z-i-n-g. And I mean that with EVER fiber of my being.

I love you so much, Mommy.

Your baby girl, forever and ever!

My Life.

So much has happened since I last posted. I can't believe I've left it this long. Jessica and Cait and Suzi came. That was just amazing. I miss them so much. I had such a good weekend, I can't wait for it to happen again :). I got baptised too ! Again another amazing thing. A not so amazing thing is that I found out Emma is moving, AGAIN. She was supposed to move yesterday but they changed the flights. Actually they haven't booked any yet, so really I have NO idea when she is moving. That worries me . It could be the end of the school year. It could be before, it could be after. And I don't know and hate it. I'm getting my hair done today. I need change. I'm getting straight across bangs and shorter hair. I also found out we're going on a missions trip with the church to Guatamala. It is like 1,500 dollars though. So, I don't know how I'm going to make that happen, a lot of begging I guess. Maybe use some of my camp money from working this summer to pay, because I wouldn't want to miss that chance of a life time. I can work on my spanish, haha. Spanish class does benifit for somethings you know. I'm pretty sure no one reads this anymore since I don't write anymore. As much as I wish I would, or did. I sort of forgot about it. Oh well. I gotta go shower, and then hair appointment, and then probably going my brothers lacrosse game. I'll write more soonnnn.

100 things to do before I die.

Me and Emma were reading things , and we came across a list a person had of 100 things they wanted to do before they died, this seemed rather interesting to us, so heres what I could come up with.

1. Make a difference in someones life.
2. Reach a point of happiness.
3. Travel the world.
4. Adopt a child.
5. Talk to someone I wouldn't normally talk to.
6. Live carelessly.
7. Tell my parents how much they mean to me.
8. Go to kentucky.
9. Show my little sister she is special in so many ways.
10. Meet the man of my dreams.
11. Donate to a charity.
12. Travel to England and meet all the friends I have there.
13. Spend the night on the phone with someone who means something to me.
14. Get in shape !
15. Feel content about my apperance.
16. Bungee jump.
17. Go on a roller coaster I wouldn't normally.
18. Make new friends, but keep the old.
19. Kiss my first love.
20. Apologize to those who I have hurt.
21. Get over those who have hurt me.
22. Feel special.
23. Mend the broken friendships
24. Climb a mountain :]
25. Meet someone famous, purely for bragging rights :)
26. Get rid of myspace/facebook!!!!
27. Don't edit pictures anymore.
28. Save my money, for something special.
29. Get a job.
30. Continue learning Spanish and French and be fluent in it.
31. Go to University.
32. Graduate with honors.
33. Meet all of my internet friends, in real life.
34. Learn how to express myself calmly.
35. Move away, and leave all my drama behind.
36. Have a happy healthy family.
37. Keep my best friends.
38. Get so drunk I can't remember what happened [ what a one , eh?]
39. Pass math, I want atleast a 75 but I guess I have to be real.
40. Learn how and when to keep my mouth shut.
41. Not worry about what someone thinks every second of everyday.
42. Be a part of something special.
43. Rebuilding houses where tragedy hit.
44. Save someones life.
45. Donate blood.
46. Grow my hair and cut it for cancer, for a wig.
47. Run a breast cancer marathon.
48. Get an article published in a magazine for girls.
49. Take someones advice to heart.
50. Laugh til I can't breathe [ not literally, I don't want to die]
51. Be someones maid of honor.
52. Keep the true friends I have, all the way through.
53. Have a guy to go to prom with
54. Go see Allie !!!!!!
55. Spend a night with Emma , Emily, and Kayla. Drinking pop, taking pictures, eating chips and being hyper :]
56. Kill my little brother.
57. Become someone I am proud of.
58. Beat my own abilities in soccer.
59. Learn how to live without the help of medicine.
60. See David Beckham play soccer.
61. Go to a concert in a different country.
62. Learn how to properly skate.
63. Lay outside looking up at the stars with someone important.
64. Make a random strangers day.
65. See what it feels like to be truly loved, no matter what you do.
66. Do something special for someone.
67. Get on the Tyra Banks show.
68. Get rid of my jealousy issues.
69. Become a social worker.
70. Finish University with honors.
71. Make a difference to the world.
72. Stand up for what I believe in.
73. Do something for me, not caring how selfish I will seem.
74. Do all of my homework.
75. Do whatever it takes to understand math.
76. Let my nails grow
77. Let my hair grow out and not dye it.
78. Have a small part in a movie.
79. Give a stranger 20 dollars
80. Respect everything I am lucky enough to own.
81.Take a good school picture - i truly don't believe its possible!!
82. Jump off a bridge.
83. Take pictures to be proud of, not myself, but of things.
84. Never smoke, and never settle for anyone who does.
85. Go swimming in an ocean.
86. Go swimming with sharks, and dolphins :).
87. Going to the peterbrough zoo , baha i love it.
88. Go into the CN tower.
89. Spend sometime in the summer with my grandparents.
90. Write an essay to be proud of
91. Go to spain.
92. Ride a motorcycle.
93. Get a cottage :)
94. Go ATVing/snow mobiling.
95. Do laps of swimming in the summer, every morning.
96. Not be afraid to be me, always and constantly
97. Sing outloud for everyone to hear!
98. Live life with no regrets.
99. Finish this list
100. Complete all of these.

Everyday struggles of a 15 year old girl

Being 15, I have the drama every other 15 year old has in his/her life. There is so much to worry about. Fitting in , the clothes, the music you listen to , the way you do your make up, the color or style of your hair. Then theres the friends, the backstabbing, the drama, the smiles and the tears. Not to mention school, the homework, and the teachers that will never understand you. And then theres boys, the heartbreak, the crushes and the not being good enough. I really dont think people understand how hard it is.