Here it is,

This is going to be brutally honest, and not fun to read or hear, but its better that I'm writing it, than doing the alternative thoughts that are going through my mind.

You always hear the stories, when new siblings are born, the older one gets extremely jealous. Not me, I wasn't a jealous kid - I loved my little brother. The jealousy didn't kick in until he was 10 & I was 14, then it kicked in, and it kicked hard.

My brother, always has, and always will get better treatment from my parents. I will never understand it, I don't really get what I did wrong - but apparently something. My brother has always had it easier, I've had to 'set the way' and set the paths. I've been the experiment child, the tester - if it worked on me, then its easier for Quinn. I was only honestly allowed going to the Oshawa Center without a parent, this year - Me being 16. That's bullshit, by true definition.

It makes me cry just thinking about it - how bad you can be to not be good enough for your own parents. I try hard, but i'll never live up to what they expect me to be, they've never given me an outline, they've never helped me get to it.

In 340 days [provided i'm still on this earth] i'll be at college, it'll be my first day. At this point, I don't even care that my Mom wants me to stay close - I want to be as far as possible. I've always wanted to go to St. Lawrence in Kingston, and right now its looking pretty good. I hope , that if I do end up going there, she realizes I'm not as horrible as she imagines, maybe she'll miss me .. maybe she'll fucking see - i'm not all that terrible.

All I want is loving parents, sometimes, I just need a hug from them - but that is also too much to ask. I haven't gotten a hug from my daddy in years, and I just want to be loved. At the end of the day, thats my utmost wish .. honestly, doesn't sound like too much to me.

Misunderstood.

When thinking of a word to describe me, "misunderstood" is the first one that comes to mind. I am misunderstood by almost everyone I know, on many different levels.

I am misunderstood by my family. They will never understand me, I've always been different, I always will. Even to the smallest details that they are all left handed, and I'm right handed. They will never accept my religion, which is always a difficult aspect to me, because my religion is everything to me. They don't understand my desicions, but truthfully, I'm making them for God - not for me.

I am misunderstood by Mrs. Story . I think she takes me as her 'slave' , she doesn't understand my reasoning for SLiC, although I've never told her. I don't do it because I have nothing better to do, but thats another days explanation.

I am misunderstood by my Bampa. I'm not sure what he takes me for, I hear stories about Grandparents, and even think of my own Nanny and Grandpa, and I have so much to compare it to. But thats not who my Bampa is, he isn't that loving grandfather - truthfully he doesn't give two shits about me, and doesn't take the time to learn.

I am misunderstood by my church. I love my church family to pieces, I do. But still, i'll never quite fit in, I don't think they have expectations for me persay - but I'll never quite complete that church family no matter how I try.

No matter what I do, I am misunderstood by every aspect of people - people just don't get me - I don't think it's that friggen complicated.
Just one of those nights..

Encouraged,

I went to my first prayer meeting this evening at the church I have been attending for six years. It was a group of eight of us, ranging from young [15] & old [80's] - but our age was the least of the matters.

Courtice Baptist is a huge part of my life and has been a huge part of my life, my growing up, my teen years, my high school education, my EVERYTHING. From youth group, to Sunday school, to kids club and junior church, nursery, baby showers & weddings, wakes and mourning, I've been through it all in that church, & tonight again I felt like a family.

Pastor Jon, Marjorie, Rachel, Carron, Les, Ed, Vanda & I attended prayer meeting tonight, most of them regularly do, but me and Rachel completely new to the experience. One of the most amazing feelings for me, is be prayed for. To me, that equals being loved, and being cared for, being important and meaningful. To hear your name being lifted up to the one and only amazing God, and to know He is listening to the every spoken word never seizes to amaze me.

Tonight one of the many and less important things being prayed for was the Christian group that Rach, Jenna, and I are currently trying to start at our school. It has been something that has been weighing on my heart since I first walked the halls of Bowmanville High, but there was no way I would EVER suggest it. With my leadership class came enough confidence that I can actually consider it, and decide to want to go through with it.

Tomorrow the three of us are going to talk to a teacher about supervising, as that is a requirement and then it is off to the principal. I won't lie, I am scared shitless to do this, to try and start something this big, valid, and important in our school. I know I am not doing it alone, I have my two girlies, a church praying for us, an impact group praying for us, a youth leader praying for us, and most importantly God watching over us, and smiling. I am going to try, for Him, for us, for all of those who are not lucky enough to have a church family, or a youth leader.

Teens Together For Christ;

We can and will do this. We have God on our side, and His vote is rated a lot higher than Ms.Grdovics!

A question often asked,

I've barely been seventeen for two days; most girls my age are friends with people whom are between the ages of 17-21, generally.

Since I was 12 and met Patty, I changed those rules and standards for myself. I have been asked countless amounts of times why I am friends with older people. People find it strange, they find it unique, they find it different, and differences are rarely accepted.

I've never fully, or truthfully known the answer to the question. I mean, it's an obvious fact, I'm friends with Patty, Cathy, Carron, Jessica, Glo, and Suzi - the list certainly goes on. Everyone on that list is over fourty. Why do I find comfort in older friendships? Where does that stem from - just why?

Madyson asked me that question on the phone this afternoon when I was telling her stories of Cathy and Carron last night, & finally I had the answer. I find comfort, friendship, relationships, love, and trust in these relationships because they are mature, they are older, they've lived through similar situations, they understand, they don't strive on drama. I don't know a better love than the one that they provide, considering they are all mothers they automatically have the motherly love, the compassion, the caring, and the unconditional forgiveness.

So it may not be normal, typical, or looked well upon, but I truly find the best friendships in those who have experienced life and realize that it is not long enough to waste on petty things.

I guess I'll never change.

I desperately ache to change, I do, in every way possibly imaginable I want to be a different person, a better person.

The more I say it, the more I long to be different and to change, but I still don't know how to do it.
I am a christian teen, that simple fact sets me apart from most other teenagers, but that isn't exactly the CHANGE or difference I am going for.

I am a rollercoaster, my emotions are constantly up and down, and it's huge drastics, I honestly swear I am bi-polar but the doctor doesn't agree, and he's the one with the P.Hd so I guess he knows what hes talking about.

When I am up, I am UP. I am high on life, I am happy , laughing, smiling and cheerful. I am hyper, loving, silly, crazy .. I am the Caitlin that people ENJOY spending time with, I am the Caitlin I wish I knew HOW to be constantly.

When I am down, I have hit rock bottom. I melt down in huge ways, I cry, I scream, anything and everything can affect my mood. The littlest of things can send me to the end of the rope. It's scary for me - but I know it's scary for those whom have witnessed it or who have to try to calm me down. Ask Carron, Madyson or Rach - they can vouch haha.

My problem is learning how to have a nice middle ground. No one is happy all the time, it is not possible nor human nature. But having a nice mixture of happiness & sadness is all I need to get by. Hopefully, in time..

Summer is o v e r

My summer is officially pretty much over. Tomorrow is my last sleeping in day and I have to get up at 1030 :(.
Summer Re-cap.

Although, this summer was nothing special - I'd have to say it's been my best. I've spent much time with friends, God, & I've actually made money.

I have amazing memories such as camping, wonderland, Ontario place, Madyson's visits, surprises, shopping spree's with Chels, getting my g1, watching the sunrise & set, & just having good times.

As summer of 2009 comes to an end, I am filled with sadness and overwhelmed with grieve, this COULD possibly mark my last summer of freedom, as next summer will potentially be college preparation. I'm nervous, I'm scared, I'm worried, I'm growing up & I just want to pause.

I better head to bed, I need to get used to going to bed early .. uuuugh. Tomorrow, I'm going to the beach, having a picnic and then work [ugh] but it's time and a half atleast (:

- Cait.

Jealousy, jealousy, jealousy..

Did I not just discuss this? Did I not talk about it only days ago, if that? Why is it arising again, why can the subject not be put to rest? Why am I jealous? Why can't I get over myself?

Clearly, jealousy is a big issue. It is silly, and childish. I saw that Carron wrote on Alanna and Rachel's wall's in the past few days, but not mine - She never writes on mine. Why am I jealous over that, why does it REALLY matter? The truth is, it doesn't, jealousy isn't my issue at all. Atleast, it is most certainly not my most important one.

The truth is I am searching for acceptance, in so many ways, on so many levels, so deeply. I want to hear I am loved, needed, wanted, appreciated. I love Carron very much, without a doubt - I want to know she loves me back. I want to know she values me, I want to know she needs me like I need her. I have placed too trust, and love in her - I have placed everything in her, I just want to know she cares. I have done a few crazy things, and gone to levels some could never imagine doing, to know, she cares, just an ounce. I went through all my wall posts I had wrote to her, all status comments, and deleted all but three in a rage! Where did that rage come from, why was I so angry? It was my jealousy, "if she doesn't care or write back - why am I wasting my time" . I become a horrible, self centered person when my jealousy strikes, & it is most certainly not someone I am proud of.

I truly love helping Story, but I am not doing FULLY just out of the goodness of my heart. I am not doing it JUST to help her. I am doing it, because I want her to feel as if she NEEDS me, she CAN'T do it without me. I want her to appreciate me, and appreciate all that I do for her - I want her to love me. It hurts more than words could begin to describe, how I work hours upon hours for her & I ask for nothing in return. But, when a trip arises, I am NEVER asked to go, I am never who pops into her head first. It makes me feel used and worthless, I devote many hours to what I do with her, I just want her to care about me.

How do I change this? How do I lose my jealousy problems, my self acceptance problems, my self esteem problems. I really really just want to be loved, & I am going to great lengths to feel loved, even for just minutes. Why can't the love just come naturally? It's costing much time, money, and work. I guess its a price I am willing to pay, regardless of the cost.

F o u r t e e n.

September 5th, 1995 - I was five days short of being three and did not have a care in the world. I was an only child, and an angel in my parents eyes - nothing mattered, does it ever when you're three?

I attended a neighbors birthday party that would forever have an impact on my life.

Jennifer Elizabeth Brooks.

Can you believe it? I was two, you were four, we had just met - could you ever have imagined we'd be friends at almost seventeen & eighteen? At age seventeen, I am able to say I have had the same best friend for fourteen years, that is a rare fact in our age and society, as people move on and get new friends like nothing else.

I cannot believe after all we've been through, all the fights, drama, tension, bad times, long nights, tears, anger, betrayal, lies, everything - we're still here, we're still standing, you're still my very best friend.

Jen if its up to me, I promise, I will be by your side on your wedding day, I will be in the waiting room as you deliver your pride and joy, I will hold your hand during the hard times, and hug you tight when you need it.

We have made it too far to give in, too long to give up, and we're too close to end it. No matter what happens, changes, or doesn't happen; You're my B E S T friend, always.

I love you to the ends of this earth.
You're more than my friend,
you're my big sister.

I am angry.

There is no denying, no hiding, or no POINT in lying about this anger that is taking over me. I am angry, I am so angry!

I am angry that my Bampa is an asshole, a jerk & inconsiderate. I don't want you in my life if you don't want to be here. I don't want you to be here half the time, I don't want you to be here when YOU want too and it is beneficial for you. I was hurt, almost devastated when I arrived home today and I saw that card sitting there. Don't you know I love you Bampa, and that absolutely destroyed me? I am trying to put you behind me - trying to forget about you, trying to imagine you don't exist, it makes your rejection a lot easier. Sure I pretend I don't care, I don't love you, I don't need you - BUT I LOVE YOU, how couldn't I? You're my grandfather, you were here for me before I cared Nana Frankie existed. You came on trips with me, you came to watch me graduate, you made an impression even on my friends. I can never explain to you how much it breaks me into pieces when I hear my friends say "awh, he is so nice & funny" .. Yeah you were nice, and he were funny - why did you stop caring? When did you stop caring? How did you stop caring, how could you? I didn't do anything..

Without the second car things are soo difficult, my dad was offered overtime, and obviously would not decline when we are in need of the money. I work til 10:30 tonight, so I am now responsible for finding a way home from work. I can't ask Carron- she drove me to whitby today! I can't ask Cathy, she's done her part. I can't ask anyone - it's not fair to them, it's not their responsibility. So i get to take the cab tonight. I'm terrified. I don't want to want to take the cab;
ugh.

F M L.

Life changes..

& it goes fast, too fast for me. I can't keep up, I can't catch up - I can't comprehend. I don't understand how I can go from being close to someone to sooo far, in such a short period of time. I know it's often for the better, and sometimes I get close to people in a short period of time which is a bonus but it's a huge confusing matter to me.

I saw Nana Frankie the other day, I love visiting her. I love when we're leaving her house and says 'give me a hug' and squeezes me so tightly in her warm embrace. I love leaving there with the biggest smile on my face and the word finally on my mind. I spent years hating her, years blaming her, years thinking she was the cause and solution to all my problems. Meeting her was an interesting reality check, she was neither the cause, OR solution to my problems.

Meeting Nana Frankie even caused new problems, Bampa became a bigger jackass and decided it was him or her- we couldn't have the best of both worlds. Although, he never actually gave me the choice, I know what choice I would have made. I'm glad he didn't put me in that position, and made the choice himself - It's funny how immature family & grown adults can be . But this is supposed to be a good blog, and at the end of the day - I am much better without him and his problem causing, and shit stirring ways. Hopefully no family can see this or I will be getting quite the phone calls - Oh well, I am allowed speaking my mind too, right???

Nana Frankie was also a huge solution. No, she didn't eliminate the drama in my life, take away my depression, fix all my problems, or take away my homework. She didn't make any miracles happen, although she did make this young girl happy.

I am done living in the past, I won't delete the blog I originally wrote about her just so we can see how time has progressed. I am ready for the future, and to have my Nana Frankie by my side - I love you so much.